"I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times" – Senator Everett Dirksen

''A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward" – Franklin Roosevelt

''Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it" – Mark Twain

"The problem with political jokes is that they get elected" – Henry Cate

Hello and welcome to another edition of This Week. This Week, I will be taking you through a selection of news pieces from the last seven days. Some of it will be funny, other bits will be serious and some will just be downright silly. If this is your first time reading This Week then you're in for a rollercoaster ride — and safe to say you'll be looking for the subscribe button once you've got to the end. R U ready?

I fucking hate Bruno Mars, don't you? No? Yes? Answers on a email reply. I'm asking for a friend, I actually love Bruno Mars.

Have you ever shat in a pool… this year?

Have you ever fallen down a hole in the floor… AT AN ART GALLERY?

Of course he does.

Speaking of Turkeys….

Uh ohhh.

The former Scottish first minister, Alex Salmond, has described sexual misconduct allegations against him as "patently ridiculous".

There's a new story like this every week now isn't there. When will it end? If it's not politicians it's fucking superstar DJs, eh FFS?

Fuck off, alcohol in moderation is fine. If you say otherwise I'll touch you!

What an odd, hyperbolic headline though. I think we all know drinking isn't a nutrient dense liquid or particularly beneficial, aside from perhaps a glass of wine with a meal — and I wouldn't argue with that. BUT WE LIVE ON PLANET EARTH AND IT'S FUCKING STRESSFUL A LOT OF THE TIME. I mean, alcohol's a poison, isn't it? Made from fermented vegetation, generally speaking. 

"Although the health risks associated with alcohol start off being small with one drink a day, they then rise rapidly as people drink more." Yeah, it's called the weekend you cunt.

Does moderate drinking prevent dementia? Hmm, I can't remember tbh. Moving on…

A homeless man eats mega breakfast in under 20 minutes! 19mins 30secs to be precise. Hardly surprising is it.

Oh wait… is that?

I think it is.

It's a sausage.

4 eggs, 4 bacon, 4 sausage, quarter pounder burger, chips, hash browns, onion rings, bubble, beans or tomatoes, mushrooms, 2 slices of thick bread and a tea or coffee. And a Yazoo.

Bet that was deece m8.

Hungry now.

When P Diddy tried to get the Sean Combs Twitter handle… pic.twitter.com/AdWsf2cZ1E

— Andrew Bloch (@AndrewBloch) August 18, 2018

What are you up to this weekend? Maybe visit the dummy exhibition in Vent Haven.

Or not.

Oh, and If you're going to a festival this week then make sure you know what to wear. Otherwise what's the point in even going!

The oldest and thickest sea ice in the Arctic has started to break up, opening waters north of Greenland that are normally frozen, even in summer.

This phenomenon – which has never been recorded before – has occurred twice this year due to warm winds and a climate-change driven heatwave in the northern hemisphere.

Yay!

The bizarre 'House of Musk' love triangle between Azealia Banks, Elon Musk and Grimes continues…

Screenshots of a conversation between Banks and Grimes have emerged once more. Covering Elon's dick, ganja and kidnapping.

Love triangles, eh, ya just can't trust 'em.

Do you know what you can trust though?

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