This Week…Hunt, Hell And Hate
"I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion." – Jack Kerouac
"I know my limits. That's why I'm beyond." – Serge Gainsbourg
"You'll all be dancing to my number 1 at Christmas." – Brian Harvey
Oh what a week it's been filled with ups, more ups and even greater ups. After this week I can't but think that everything is going to be alright…just kidding.
JEREMY HUNT JUST WANTS TO PLEASE PEOPLE
Always a man of the people and an advocate for the free Jeremy Hunt this week decided to honour the British public and say 'YES' to making junior doctors work an extra day without additional pay. Encouraged by numerous walkouts and strikes across the country by NHS staff protesting that they don't already work long enough hours Jeremy walked into the commons on Thursday to bring their dream to realisation. Immediately after the decision was made Mr Hunt was celebrated across the UK leaving junior doctors in floods of tears, presumably these were tears of happiness but it is unconfirmed whether some of those crying were just thinking about that bit in Love Actually where Liam Neeson's boy runs through the airport. With plans already in place to make 11th February a public holiday and a 40m high statue made entirely from the souls of NHS staff in the works all this writer can say is Jeremy, good work.
NEW RESEARCH FIND NEW HAMPSHIRE SOURCE OF IMMINENT APOCALYPSE
New scientific research this week has found that the impending destruction of existence as we know it is located in New Hampshire, USA as Donald Trump wins his first primary of the US election campaign. The discovery found that New Hampshire residents were the first to welcome the idea of the mass execution of all mankind and thus can be recognised as the primary source of the apocalypse. While still up for debate scientists believe that New Hampshire was chosen as the catalyst of the reckoning due to voters disillutions on key political topics such as mass migration, economic stability and whether or not devouring the heart of a virgin can bring eternal life, swaying the odds in Trump's favour. Welcomed to the stage by crowds of blood hungry satanic ghouls eagar to dine on the corpses of their enemies Trump thanked all those in attendance and promised to bring "a new kind of politics to America" and "a thousand year reign prophesised by the dark overlord himself" before embarking in the ritualistic dismemberment of a goat.
LEAKED REPORTS SHOW THAT DAVID CAMERON'S MUM FUCKING HATES HIM
While it's pretty safe to say that most mothers are somewhat attached to their offspring it was revealed this week that David Cameron's mother literally fucking hates him as she signed a petition against the planned closure of children's services in his Oxfordshire constituency. Putting the hatred down to her husbands failure at hugging their son enough as a child Mary (of course she's called Mary) stated that such cuts would have a drastic impact on their local community, seemingly waking up from an ignorance induced coma at the exact moment such cuts affected her personally. Either way there's nothing quite like an old fashioned public humiliation by your mum. Even yesterday I had a security guard search my bag to find 48 packets of tissues that my mum had given me 'just in case', which succeeded in making me want to sit naked in an empty bath for two days.