This Week… Merkle Man, The Gammon People, And Kim Jong-Gaddafi
“Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest" – Denis Diderot
“You put the small thief in prison, but the big thief lives in a palace" – Graham Greene
"Reading an interview with Razorlight is just like reading The Economist" – Jarvis Cocker
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'" – Tommy Cooper
This Week… nothing else matters except a double header of entertainment so exciting that it'll bring tears to your eyes. It's only the royal fucking wedding AND the FA Cup. In fact, I'm crying now.
I'm not here to cover that bollocks.
The BBC has, very weirdly, offered eight ways to avoid the wedding. It's far from comprehensive – in fact it's pretty shit, listing that you can go underground to Chedder Gorge; go the the cinema, watch some royal based comedy like Channel 4's The Windsors, which will be spoofing the royal wedding — I bet that will be hilarious; or maybe go to an anti-monachist convention (now we're talkng); or, the tip of this suggestive iceberg, 'take advantage of the lack of queues'.
Emma Thompson doesn't give a fuck either.
Instead, let's shine a light on former refugee Magid Magid who's taken up the Sheffield Lord Mayor post. He's the city's first Somali Mayor, Green Party Mayor and youngest, at a tender 28 years old. Fair play. Or how about that Donald Trump has basically told Kim Jong-un that they will kill him if he doesn't make a nuclear deal. Cool man. Also, do you vape? I don't mean to go all Daily Fail on you about it but be careful. It might blow up and pierce your cranium.
While all that's going on, some people are working fucking hard to get this planet back on track. Like Edda Sif Aradottir from CarbFix, who are turning carbon dioxide into rock – forever.
Remember that the Royal Wedding planners were trying to rid lovely, posh old Windsor of their disgusting sub-human homeless population before the special day? Well, thankfully Sussex Homeless Support — a Brighton based initiative — recently announced plans to travel up on its bus-cum-night-shelter the day before the nuptials in order to provide shelter, hot drinks and more general support for rough sleepers.
What star sign are you?
"I'm Keith. I'm Dean and we're on our way to a racist EDL march."
Question: Do you use hedgehogs for emotional support? Then don't fly with American Airlines.
GUESSING THE ANSWER
Answer: Don't work 80 hours in one week.
Oh fuck it then I can't hold it in any longer. Here's a sneak peak of tomorrow's wedding from the rehearsal earlier on.
I suppose I should cover the FA Cup as well.