This Week… Everything’s Fine
"It profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world… but for Wales!" – Robert Bolt
“You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but in the very least you need a beer.” ― Frank Zappa
“All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.” ― Anita Clenney
If you’re a resident of the UK/planet Earth in 2016 chances are that you’re probably looking at the world right now the same way you would watch your house burn. In these trying times we all need a little pick me up, someone with warm arms to cradle us and say everything’s going to be OK before inevitably the world offers you a swift knee to the groin. Well I cannot provide that bosom but what I can do is share with you the heart-warming stories of the week which may have been hidden underneath all that war crime/racism stuff everyone seems to love. The stories that bring you satisfaction in the mocking of other people’s misfortune, but don’t worry those people fully deserve it.
MAN WHO WANTED BREXIT WORSE OFF BECAUSE OF BREXIT
Poster boy for warm ale, microwaved delicacies and those horrible people who drive white Land Rovers in city centres JD Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin, an avid Brexit supporter, has lost 18 million pounds since the results exactly two weeks ago. While I don’t want to condescend I want to follow the Tim Martin route and put that figure into something that we, as Wetherspoons patrons, can all understand. 9 million pints of Doom Bar at £2 a go that is, or 3,005,008.35 curry club’s if you’re that way inclined. I make these comparisons as one of Tim’s main arguments during the Brexit campaign is that most of the wine we import comes from outside the EU, which obviously means there is no need for anything else we gain from inside the EU like cars, skilled people, baguettes, cheese, unity, those Portuguese custard tarts, the ability to adopt sports heroes as our own to hide our own failing achievements etc. etc. Annoyingly I’m pretty certain that £18 million isn’t actually THAT much to Tim and I can’t help but have respect for a guy who’s dedicated his life to letting people get pissed at 7am for a tenner, a primal instinct emotion I suppose, but let’s take a little solace he’s slightly less rich than before.
GROWN MEN COLLECTIVELY WEEP ABOUT CAR SHOW
Isn’t it a strange coincidence that all these white, middle-aged, bigoted men resign just before a job becomes available at Top Gear? As Chris Evans quit the show this week the UK pondered that question and many more, questions like ‘what compilation album will I receive at Christmas now Top Gear may not be on the tele?’ and ‘how will I source my next pair of ill-fitting jeans now?’. Yes the show that is estimated to have halted the progress of the human race by approximately 14 years is hitting a bit of a rough patch, much to the general delight of every single person in the UK who hasn’t ever slapped a Monster energy drink sticker on the back of their car. Celebrity chef James Martin is now poised for the role who, having won the nations hearts by getting celebrities to make an omelette as fast as they can on Saturday Kitchen, may do the same but with cars and bloke stuff instead.
AND NOW THE NEWS IN BRIEF…
WORLD TOLD TO ‘JUST HOLD OUT’ UNTIL DECEMBER FOR EVERYTHING TO BE FINE AGAIN
ACID HOUSE CREMATED AND FLUSHED DOWN TOILET FOR FINAL TIME
SEARCH TO FIND WORLD’S WORST PEOPLE HITS GOLD
DRAMATIC SCENES AS TORIES MARCH ON WESTMINSTER (DISCRETION ADVISED).