Joe ‘Bonez’ Jones top 8 (12) of 2013
Tis the season of the end of year list. Top 10 straight to box set DVDs. Top 1000 digital deep house labels. Etc. We've decided to go for Top 8 Whatevers. The Top 8 things of the year – be them bacon sandwiches; the top 8 times you stubbed your toe against the f*cking boxes full of useless sh*t your girlfriend insists on leaving in the hallway; and so on and so forth. Each week until the new year, we'll be publishing the Top 8s of the various R$N scribes.
Here are Joe 'Bonez' Jones top
8 12 (maybe he didn't get the memo…):
Like the seminal antipodean pout-rock band of 1990, Divinyls, I touch myself. Attempting to curtail myself to only one monthly fumble-in-the-jungle is hard but here's what I was fondling myself to this year, with all the enthusiasm of a boys school boarder watching Eton Messy vids.
So how was your NYE? Well mine was spent being the original slumming it in Europe trendsetter. Deep in my heart I aspire to join the Xberg-gentrificationists but I know that my hair and desire to dress in clothes that fit me will always allow me to fit in. So instead I stayed in my own private Wichserhhle and partied to tracks that reminded me about my favourite pastime…riding the Love Rollercoaster, die Liebe Achterbahn, les Montagues russes d'Amour.
After recovering from starting the year in a fugue-state due to my over indulgence in an Eastern European capital filled with cheap snouts, cheaper alcohol and even cheaper spa-resorts, I was informed of a certain young man who had recently made an edit. Remember them, they were all the rage back in the 00s. And it just happened to be an edit of one of my favourite nether-region cupping tracks of all time. And is it a strange coincidence that Kupfer is an ancient Germanic family name for makers of cups? Pre-destination says not!
It was the start of spring and I felt like I needed some help for my self-harming issues. I went to see Dr. Helmut von Glockenschlagmann. He said I needed to take more exercise to help me stop my nasty habit. So I started hanging round gyms. Needless to say it failed, so many tight bodies never not boded well for my behaviour.
You're probably reading this and thinking major problems, this one has. It's rather difficult and very emotionally painful being a misanthropist while craving attention. Alone at night, weeping silently in the dark, wanting to be popular with girls whilst being scared of what would happen if my monster awoke. These lot from the grim north get me, they wrote this piece of Radioheadstep perfectly encapsulating all those feelings I can only share with the neighbour's cat; would these cool chaps be my friends and introduce me to an unemployed web-designer with a slutty fringe working in an artisanal ice-cream van?
Ever since being ejected from a darkened 'art' cinema in a more downmarket area of Birmingham during that scene in Black Swan, I've had to keep well away from Darcey Bussell types (especially after the restraining order). But then along comes this little number, flaunting contemporary ballet at me, mixing it with splashy visual effects…the whole package is enough to get a man standing tall, feeling taut, generally putting himself at risk of 18 months in The Scrubs.
Now I don't know if NYC's Stellar OM Source is peng, but I have an inkling that she might well be. The beautiful denizens of this vid definitely are though, they're gold lam draped, glitter-dipped sirens of the deep. I'm hoping that once Bill de Blasco takes office he'll open up all the pool-topped Trumpian skyscrapers that litter Manhattan, filling them with hordes of synchro-swimming leggy babes in kimonos. Stuff universal healthcare and the redistribution of wealth, true socialism is bringing the decadence of the rich to the common man!
It was heading towards the height of summer and I packed my bags for a small camping holiday in Wales. After finding a deserted field and setting up my bivouac, I slept under canvas surrounded by the glories of nature. But lo and behold, when awakening in the morn, I found myself surrounded by assorted party people enjoying the fine weather and having a rave in this secluded environ. Needless to say I had to withhold from my favourite pastime. You may call me a moaning minnie but I prefer the terminology used by this chap.
Redheads intrude into my mental imagery a lot while I attend to exercising the gentlemen's relish from my system. Hark, the flame-haired leader of the Iceni, that rabble rousing proto-Leia, Boudica appears to be making some right banging beats this year. And didn't I half bang to this beat!!
Like many semi-adult cubicle slaves I have a not-so-secret desire to be a hoodlum, a ruffian, a gangsta! Beating on my biatches, sipping gin n juice, driving fast cars and generally carrying on like a Canadian mayor on a gak binge. With great excitement I awaited the launch of GTA V, hoping to fulfil my pent-up need for antisocial behaviour by digital proxy once again. And to make it even better, a chap called Gilles Peterson had a hand in selecting the music for the game including a remix that had made me touch myself back in 2012. Two intimate gropings from one track in as many years, score! But now my PS3 owning bruv Karl doesn't talk to me no more…
CHEAP KNOB GAG ALERT!
Oh Lukas, do you have problems with your bassoon fingering to?
I took a break from choking Kojak in November on the advice of my optometrist. To make up for it, I watched some young people types from a foreign clime attempt to touch once another instead. They failed…and failed…and failed…I thought to myself what these vital young people obviously need is some proper ghetto schooling. I wonder if the British Council will fund me to travel to far away places and teach yoot to do a proper terrorist fist-bump like what I learnt at school?
After a hurried application process, I successfully won a tender to provide my Cultural Training for Urban Acclimatization from the British Council and am currently in the process of jetting out to Ulaanbaatar for a 3 year initiative. Hurrah, I will finally meet my Chatroulette buddy Altantsetseg Tsegmid. I'm hoping she's The One! It looks like my life of solo one-eyed snake-taming may well be over, wish me luck fair readers and I hope you had as eventful a year as I did.
Disclaimer: ignore my fevered ravings and just listen to the music. Maybe even go out and buy it or just generally support the artists by going to an event they're playing at. Just don't stay at home and watch YouTube videos…