Dear Marj – Sweat Glands &Lady Puddles
Well now, Marj has “been away in the south of france being rustique for a while with no access to anything.”
but is now back firing on all her rusty cylinders.
This week she advises on sweat glands and lady puddles.
I’m sweating in glands I didn’t know I had. It’s leaving an unsightly amount of lady puddles.
What can i do?
Dear Sweaty Betty,
I think what you have is what is known in medical circles as “Slow Jamitus”. It can be a very serious condition, brought on by listening to too many slow jams at ear blisteringly loud volume.
Doctors say it is usually caught in two types of environment. One is when you are listening to songs like ‘Birthday Sex’ by Jeremih being pumped out of window (either from a room or in a car) so hard that the bass distorts all the singing and it causes that shitty squelching noise. This usually results in the infected to start sweating from places they didn’t even know they had on their body, whilst making sex faces and whispering things like “yeahh”,”c’mon” and “breakitdown” to themselves.
The other environment is on public transport, whilst the victims ears are being seared with high pitched versions of songs like ‘Bump ‘n’ Grind’ by R-Kelly through either a mobile phone speaker or the earphones of the person next to you. Again, symptoms may include profuse sweating, whilst the tinny sound quality rubs you up and down, touches you in ways you’ve never been touched, and makes you feel like the you’re the only one girl, the only one that can make me feel like this, oooh yeah baayybeeeh.
Doctors warn that listening to too much 90’s R’n’B can be seriously bad for your physical health. They recommend limiting to just 2 units per day (equal to 5 Genuwine songs, or 1 song by Keith Sweat), and warn against the dangers of binge listening, of which the dangers include extreme pelvis gyrating disorder, prolonged note holding disease, and an inability to sleep or eat as a result of having that one special girl on yo mind, twenty four seven yo.
If I we’re you Betty, I’d counteract your problem with a prolonged bout of soothing ointments like ‘Coldplay’, ‘Travis’ or ‘Stereophonics’. Before long their bland indie rock will cool you down and alleviate your embarrassing puddles, leave you feeling numb and depressed enough to function in normal English society again.
Let us placate your misery. Feel free to inundate us with your angst but do not feel ashamed, as all questions will be kept anonymous.
Email email@example.com – don’t be shy now… and we’ll do our best to help… anonymously of course!
Love Marj R$N x