DEAR MARJ… R$N’s NEW AGONY AUNT TACKLES YOUR WOES #1

Tired with the taste of bitter tears, bittering up your bitter black coffee every morning? Housemates often say things like “Hey bro i really liked your abstract take on Spandau Ballet’s ‘True’ last night” when really it was just you wailing yourself to sleep? 

Here at R$N, we understand and We want to absorb your woe and regurgitate it back to you in soft, delicate advice, much like a mother bird feeding worms to it’s young in that weird, regurgitate-y way they do.

This week Iona (name changed to protect the innocent… or is it?!) asks:

What do you do with the drunken sailor?

And Marj’s response:

Dear Iona

This is a brave moment for you. You are faced with one of life’s most savage yet life affirming questions. 

I believe it was Schopenhauer who once famously said “Shit cousin, y’all need to step yo game up bout that drunken sailor. He buggin’, an Nate and Pedro bout to get into some THANGS” (Arthur Shopenhauer – The Philosophy of YOLO – 1853) 

If there’s anything one can learn from this classic axiom, it’s that life is too short for what I like to call “aura infringers”. 

This sailor is blocking your vital aura necessary for inner well being and swag. He is draining you of your rightful claim to intrinsic power, and I think now is the time to make that leap into the unknown and free your aura to roam over the fields of misty neon coloured chi with aura heroes like Gandi and that bloke off of Hollyoaks whose played Tony his whole life. 

At first you may be scared, shocked and even a little intimidated, but once you release yourself from this bane you will feel a new woman. To heal the pain, I recommend going to your local Homebase to purchase their superb “Panpipe Moods Volumes 1,2, and 3” and then doing poppers in a hot bath till your aura is fully restored. 

Best,

Marj R$N

Let us placate your misery.  Feel free to inundate us with your angst but do not feel ashamed, as all questions will be kept anonymous. 

Email helpmyagony@theransomnote.co.uk – don’t be shy now… and we’ll do our best to help… anonymously of course!

Love Marj R$N x