Dear Marj #4
R$N’s very own agony aunt Marj understands your woes. She wants to absorb it and regurgitate them back to you in soft, delicate advice, much like a mother bird feeding worms to it’s young in that weird, regurgitate-y way they do. This week:
My wife’s grasp of medieval latin is at best rudimentary and is causing problems ‘in the bedroom’
Can you help?
Joe (name, maybe changed)
Dear Joe (name maybe changed)
Understandably; your wife’s basic grasp of medieval Latin is a damp squib in the bedroom. But interestingly; it is the very same Latin words of classic Medieval philosophers that are most relevant to your sexual quandary:
Sit sermonem de sexu infantem,
sit sermo de me et te,
sit sermo de bonum et malum, quad contingit,
sit sermonem de sexu, sit sermonem de sexu.
(Saltus et Pepperis – Let’s talk about Sex)
In essence, Saltus and Pepperis we’re extolling the virtues of discussion in a modern sexual relationship. While sometimes all you need to do is to share a bottle of your finest mead, crack out thy ye olde baby oil and get freaky in the nearest dining hall whilst a court jester plays the Medieval Lute, it doesn’t always yield the best results for your long lasting intimacy.
I imagine that for you, grunting into your beloveds ear that she’s a bad girl or a dirty whore in today’s modern but cumbersome English can be an unfulfilling experience, so you go and do the reasonable thing and try spice things up with a bit of Medieval Latin, and hey, don’t feel alone in that Joe, we’ve all been there, done that and got the chain link armour with the engraving “you like it like that? huh? yeah you like it rough don’t you?” on the front. Unfortunately it is not for your fair Maidens taste, but don’t give up just yet.
Firstly, try easing your wench into the Medieval atmosphere with a relaxing back to back viewing of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, coupled with some naughty dressing up to get in the mood. The sight of you dressed as a sexy Bilbo Baggins or the fat sidekick one will be too hard for her to resist, and she’ll be ripping off your rags in a furious ecstacy whilst your enjoying the fact that she’s dressed up as Orlando Bloom or one of the other fantasy characters.
She’ll be so busy doing all that sexy Orlando Bloom shit that she won’t even notice you’re supplementing all the Medieval sounding dialogue with your own passionate Latin proclamations of filth and misogyny.
Secondly, if that doesn’t work, have you ever thought about another period of history’s speech? It may not be the dirty talk but rather just the Medieval Latin that your partner finds difficult.
How about experimenting with some Gyblorkian dialect from 3052 AD? Before long phrases like “I’m going to damage you like the mighty Kondar did to the Sweeblenites in the battle of Omacron 6” or “I will crush your futile resistance and make you my intergalactic sex slave” could become a regular and effective aphrodisiac for you and your lover.
The key is to experiment and try new things Joe. Saltus and Pepperis knew that talking about sex was the right thing to do all those years ago, I believe it still is, but it’s up to you now to find the right words.
Let us placate your misery. Feel free to inundate us with your angst but do not feel ashamed, as all questions will be kept anonymous.
Email email@example.com – don’t be shy now… and we’ll do our best to help… anonymously of course!