Asking For A Friend #9

Have you got a friend who might simply be a figment of your own twisted imagination that raises all sorts of peculiar questions that you'd never quite have the guts to ask yourself? On a totally unrelated note, Mitch Davis is back with this week's batch of Asking For A Friend as his completely real friend asks him plenty of peculiar questions and Mitch relays them to us, anonymously of course. Go on then, get your laughing gear on…

Is this acceptable for a new passport photo? The lady in the post office is saying no. Asking for a friend.

Will wearing giraffe print sexy pants make the ladies have it off with me? Asking for a friend.

How do you get your penis out of a Henry Hoover pipe? Asking for a friend.

Is this too much Burberry for a first date? Asking for a friend.

If you've taken shit loads of acid, how do you get the scary goblin out of your washing machine? Asking for a friend.

Are there any cheap brothels in the St.Albans area? Asking for a friend.

If you're addicted to Bloody Marys garnished with pizza and chips, will you become an alcoholic…or obese? Asking for a friend.

Is it illegal to masturbate in a shop? The lady in the M&S lingerie department is saying it is. Asking for a friend.

Is the “S” or “C” in scent silent? Asking for a friend.

Will wearing these turn you into a magic faun? Asking for a friend.

Will injecting heroin into your ears get rid of earache? Asking for a friend.

Ladies, would these look sexy on a chubby funster in his forties? Asking for a friend.

If you get a Sex Pistols Master Card with 18.9% APR, are you a cunt? Asking for a friend.

If the lady you are going on a date with is slightly taller than you, should you wear these? Asking for a friend.

And to finish, some solid advice from Mitch…

PRETEND you're Ten Walls by having the rest of the year off work. And being a bit of a cunt.

Mitch Davis can be found running Numb Magazine among other things.