Although it may be in a different format this year, Valentine’s Day is here and you’ve managed to land a Zoom date with a recent tinder match. After the incident on Valentine’s day last year, you’re almost relieved lockdown has thwarted the possibility of any actual face to face human interaction. The theatrics of that February night belong to the realm of Urban Myth, but let’s quickly recap.
Upon last orders being called your date asks if you want to go back to her flat, you accept the invitation. This evening has plunged you deep into your overdraft, deeper still levelling up to Uber exec for the ride back to hers, you absolute specimen. Upon arrival somewhere in Dalston, your driver bids you both a good night, shoots you a wink in the wing mirror and softly whispers “5 stars please boss”. The elevator is broken so you take the stairs to the 8th floor. You’ve barely unzipped your jacket before she’s offering you a doughnut maple bacon ale from her growler, picked up earlier that day from “The Zeitgeist Project” her neighbourhood eco-microbrewery. Several pints of doughnut maple bacon ale later, you’re deep in the consensual realm of “slap and tickle”. She abruptly pulls back and quips ‘don’t go anywhere sausage’. ‘Ok’ you reply, whilst allowing your mind to go on a sausage tangent - wanky ales build up an appetite it seems. You hear footsteps... this is it. The finale. There she is, carefully trodding down her mezzanine stairs looking straight into your eyes, only to reveal she is completely stark naked sporting an MF Doom mask. From sheer shock alone, you spill a pint of ale on her Persian Kashan rug and she completely loses it. She grabs the nearest thing to her (your jeans) and is on all fours frantically wiping the rug, still in the mask. She turns to you and in the most devilish way exclaims ‘You are going to fucking pay for this’.
A few moments later you are ubering back to Tufnell Park in wet jeans day dreaming of Bratwurst.
Steak and eggs behind the safety screen of your MacBook Pro is a welcome alternative to the shambolic rumpus of last year. It will also limit the violent abuse towards your overdraft. Weighing up the pros and cons of dating on Zoom, you found solid points for both. Pros: No doughnut maple bacon ale, no £8 a drink in plastic gastropubs and no Hip-Hop sex surprises. Cons: No “slap and tickle”, crippling loneliness and it slowly adding to you becoming institutionalised. Whilst others learnt to cook with saucepans and frying pans, you squandered most of lockdown trying to make an album out of them. As another project gets dragged to the “unfinished” folder, your music has no credibility and you still haven’t learnt to cook. You’re cringe. Luckily at 8 Head we pity people like you so have put out a previously unreleased recipe for Valentine’s Day, saving you from further humiliation.
Côte de Boeuf and Eggs with Chimichurri
1.2kg Dry-Aged Côte de Boeuf Olive Oil
Coarse black pepper
For the Chimichurri
1 Clove of garlic
1/2 Red chilli
1tsp Chilli flakes
30ml Red wine vinegar 60ml Olive oil
Ideally you want to start making the chimichurri sauce a day in advance to allow the ingredients to mix nicely. The heads amongst us would alike the pre-making of the chimichurri to the subtle start of a deep mix.
1. Pour the water into a saucepan with a good pinch of kosher salt and bring to the boil, set to one side and let cool.
2. Pick the leaves from the parsley and oregano and place in a food processor. Roughly chop the red chilli and garlic, add the chilli flakes, and mince until fine.
3. Pour the contents of the food processor into a bowl large enough to give everything a good mix.
4. Slowly add the red wine vinegar constantly whisking and then the olive oil.
5. Whisk in the water until the sauce has a loose consistency but be mindful if you add too much water the sauce will resemble how spinach looks in Popeye. You don’t have to use the full amount listed in the recipe, it’s just a guide, this may be a chance for you to use your initiative.
6. Transfer to a bowl, tightly wrap in Clingfilm and place in the fridge.
A Côte de Boeuf is a one bone trimmed rib of beef usually shared between two. It’s towards the premium end of the steak spectrum but as you’re not punishing your overdraft in the usual fashion, you can afford to treat yourself. Visit your local butcher and insist on grass fed beef.
A Côte de Boeuf is a one bone trimmed rib of beef usually shared between two. It’s towards the premium end of the steak spectrum but as you’re not punishing your overdraft in the usual fashion, you can afford to treat yourself. Visit your local butcher and insist on grass fed beef. Free range cows allowed to graze, sequester carbon, boost biodiversity and can even reverse the effects of desertification, choosing grass the only sustainable option with beef.
1. Remove the beef from the fridge 1 hour before you intend to start cooking and place in a roasting tin.
2. Pre heat your oven to 190∞C and start heating a cast iron griddle pan (or frying pan) over a high heat, without trying to collect field samples as you go, in the hope of finishing one of your unfinished projects.
3. Rub the beef all over with olive oil making sure all surfaces are covered, season well with kosher salt and coarse black pepper.
4. Allow the pan adequate time to heat up, we are only searing the beef, we are not cooking it through, so we need it to sizzle as soon as it hits the pan, to be sure the pan is hot enough (as taking initiative and exercising judgement is not in your strong suit), hold the beef by the rib bone and stand it up in the pan, if sizzling frequencies instantly reach your ears, you’re good to go.
5. Sear the beef for a total of ten minutes turning every two, the fat should dance on the surface when you flip it.
6. The beef should now have a nice brown crust, and is ready to be finished in the oven. Place the beef back into the roasting tin and cook for 30 minutes. We like our beef medium at 8 Head so that’s the cooking time we have included. If you would prefer your steak cooked to a different doneness, Google it. Or ask your butcher, he may even offer to come round and cook it for you.
7. Once cooked allow the meat to rest for 15 minutes before serving.
Our pity only extends so far, and walking a reptile like yourself through frying an egg is nearing our limit.
1. Place a small frying pan over a medium heat and add olive oil.
2. Crack the egg into the pan whilst the oil is still cool.
3. Gently fry the eggs over a medium-low heat, if the oil starts to spit reduce the heat. Cook for 5-6 minutes or until the whites of the eggs have set.
4. Use a spatula to remove from pan, season with salt and ground black pepper.
5. Repeat for as many eggs as necessary.
That’s it, steak eggs and chimichurri. I’m guessing it goes without saying you’ll chuck some chips in the oven too. We advise listening to this 8 Head Guide To Valentines day playlist before, during and after the zoom date. Let us know how it goes. Good luck bubs, relax and remember don’t be a flid.
Words, food & photos by Gerry Read & JG Illustrations by Kristofferson San Pablo
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