This Week…We Want Our Jousting Back
"Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you." – Melania Trump
"Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub Yo da dub dub Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub Yo da dub dub (I'm the Scatman) Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub Yo da dub dub Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub Yo da dub dub" – Melania Trump
"Back once again for the renegade master, D4 damager, power to the people. back once again for the renegade master, We be gettin down, with the ill behavior." – Melania Trump
“Okay, announcement, listen up to this one, don’t be alarmed but there is a snake on the train, it’s not poisonous and is around a foot long. It’s name is penny. We suspect it is in carriage F, but can you please all check your bags to make sure it isn’t in there" Train conductor… somewhere in the UK last night.
I think we did it, I think as a collective human race we managed to go a full week without forming the basis of a global catastrophe. The metaphorical heat from the past few weeks and months died down this week while the literal heat rose, something that I personally felt a little unsettled by in a sort of Stockholm Syndrome-esque kind of way as chaos is all I really know anymore. Nobody likes to fight in the heat. You chafe. You're holding a Cornetto in your sword hand. At any one time you're already three Kopparbergs down and there's constant BBQ smoke getting in your eyes.
Thankfully the heat this week has distracted us from imploding ourselves and has allowed us to concentrate on the things that really matter. Things like…
WE WANT OUR JOUSTING BACK
When the message 'we want our country back' echoed through the streets of England and Wales all but a month ago I imagined a country where deeply paranoid pensioners could not only leave their doors unlocked, but they didn't feel the need for any doors at all. A country where our imports all come via barge, where Only Fools And Horses is projected on to Big Ben 24/7 and where those t-shirts that say things like 'S3X 4DD1CT' and 'If Lost Please Return To Pub' become our national uniform. That's what I thought but I was stupid and wrong as we're going back even further to a time where jousting was considered a normal thing to do alongside throwing poop out of your window and dying of plague, a sport which the English Heritage are avidly petitioning to be included in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games. Presumably the same people who recognise darts as the pinnacle of human fitness and achievement jousting is a sport that even Gladiators found too dangerous, switching a six foot wooden lance for double ended foam jousting sticks to avoid any and all chances of 'fitness instructor Glenn from Derby' being impaled in front of his family, Ulrika Johnson and John Fashanu.
One of the men pioneering the movement is Dominic Sewell, a 'jousting expert' at the English Heritage, who said “given what sports have been submitted to the Olympics over the years, I don’t think there is any reason that something which has been a sport for over a thousand years should not be considered." With air tight logic we open up a world of potential, a Pandora's box of new opportunities to dismember, disembowel and decapitate ourselves in the name of sport and finally achieve something on the world circuit that as a nation we can be proud of. Below I've come up with a few suggestions with actual dates of their inception…
BEAR-BAITING: 16TH CENTURY
Rules: Piss off a bear then see what happens.
Rules: Same as the above but with chickens.
MORRIS DANCING: 1448
Rules: Same as equestrian but for humans with low social skills.
SAYING 'AT THE END OF THE DAY': 1974
Rules: First to say sentence loses argument. Basically a stare off.
Rules: Think of words then write them down. Predominantly played by those who are simply waiting for the embrace of death.
AND NOW FOR THE NEWS IN BRIEF…
GOALKEEPER EXPLAINS BREXIT
MELANIA TRUMP ACCUSED OF PLAGIARISM
TED CRUZ 'LAYS EGGS IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU'.