This Week…Animals Die, So Trees Don’t
"In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power." – T. Montana
"I could just go to the horse races and take lovely holidays." – Z. Goldsmith
"I think quotes are very dangerous things." – K. Bush
ANIMALS DIE, SO TREES DON'T
2016 is the year of not being able to have nice things. Hey, how about that childhood hero you have? They're dead now. You know that European Union you love so much? Too bad, it's gone. Don't even think about having an original Toblerone again, and if you like Marmite then you're fucked. Now, how about that new plastic £5 note that you can play records with? Y'know, the one your Dad is trying to sell on eBay because he thinks it's super collectible for some reason? Pretty cool rigtht? Well, animals died to make that.
This week it was revealed that the new £5 contains animal fat, sparking a FURIOUS online petition in its wake because that's how we protest now. I personally support the move. I can't really see anybody being angered because their currency doesn't contain meat, but I also don't understand the rise in popularity for popcorn-based snacks so what do I know? Anyway, there are already plans to remove animal fats from these £5 notes so that at the very least we can all remain ethically conscious when we're using it to support the cocaine industry.
ZAC GOLDSMITH LOSES…AGAIN
Remember Zac Goldsmith? No, he's not on I'm A Celebrity, nor is it the name of a low-price jewellers in Barking, no matter how much it sounds like it is. He's the man who ran a racist campaign for Mayor against Sadiq Khan, lost, called a by-election to protest against Heathrow's third runway, and overnight lost again. In a year where the right has grown in popularity across the world, he lost. Twice. Consecutively. That's the level of capability from this man, he can't even perfect an idiotic rhetoric that Paul *fucking* Nuttall can.
It's not been a year of great triumphs, and in these times it's important to relish in the triumphs we do achieve, no matter how small they are. So, let's all wish Zac Goldsmith the very best in the future as he proceeds to fuck off.
It's easy to laugh at Zac Goldsmith, so let's take a few minutes to do just that.
— David Whitley (@mrdavidwhitley) December 2, 2016
AND NOW FOR THE NEWS IN BRIEF…
WORLD COLLECTIVELY SWEEPS THIS ONE UNDER THE RUG
HOT OFF THE PRESS