This Week... When Donald Met Vladimir

Commentary

"The more I know about people, the more I like dogs" – Vladimir Putin

“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich" – Donald Trump

The courtship of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. The ultimate bromance. A romantic comedy for the ages.

Today's G20 meeting marks the first official meeting between the two world leaders. Note the word 'official'. Of course, Trump once claimed to have met the Russian leader before he was elected President and "got along great", but then later denied it. Strange, that does seem like the sort of thing you'd probably remember. Anyway, not to worry. On with the business of smiling for the cameras. Phwoarr, check out that handshake action. Nice and firm, followed by a manly pat on the back. Trump probably had to remind himself not to say "Lovely to see you again."

When it gets down to the serious negotiating, the stuff that takes place behind closed doors, does anyone really think Trump stands a chance of imposing himself? After some sarcastic flattery, Putin will chew him up, spit him out and wash his mouth out with neat vodka. Trump is a failed businessman and reality TV star. Putin rides shirtless on the back of Siberian bears. Anyway, if the Russian leader finds himself struggling at any point, all he has to do is bring up the 'golden showers' tape and he's home and dry.

Check out this bizzarre candid camera footage from the G20 summit. It looks like that awkward moment when everyone shuffles into the Big Brother house for the first time. Except, you know, with a higher quantity of reprehensible individuals.

Behind the scenes with our photographer: Ahead of the #G20-heads of states and government “retreat” on fighting international terrorism. pic.twitter.com/gCTGjjBw7p

— Steffen Seibert (@RegSprecher) July 7, 2017

Still, there are worse places to be right now. Angela Merkel's husband Joachim is currently conducting a sightseeing tour of Hamburg for the world leaders' partners. The level of banter in that group must be more stale than the debris you find down the back of your toaster. Still, at least it might provide some inspiration for my in-progress Melania Trump/Philip May erotic novella.