The Restricted View From The Armchair Stands


"As far as I'm concerned, the first thing you can do for me is to chuck all your medals and all your caps and all your pots and all your pans into the biggest fucking dustbin you can find, because you've never won any of them fairly. You've done it all by bloody cheating." Brian Clough

Another week closer to May, another week where pundits who once played at all the BIG clubs have again debated whether it is fair and proper that a 'small' club can actually steal the BIG prize which only belongs to the BIG clubs.

Leicester City really are like their nickname. Foxes are reviled in BIG cities, arriving uninvited after the Porsches have left the gravelled driveway, when the BIG, FAT, WEALTHY urbanites have finished quaffing their chicken livers and champagne soused spouses. Rooting through the remnants of BIG clubs cast offs, they have grown wiley and swift and lean. Lean enough to continue to shake off the obsequity of the stock-chuffed, button-popping, burp-guffing, Pompeii-living, sex-life-unfulfilling massive leather chairmen.

Leicester *small* City have been heading up the table for nigh on seven months, yet every week them pundits come back to say the bubble will burst, they'll run out of steam, they just need an injury to Vardy, blah, blah, blah… before they burst a Walkers bag o' crisps over (newly single) Gary Lineker and pull his undies up over his head and go and snog the fit birds. Like Peter Crouch does.

Them Foxes went and drilled out a result at the weekend, like BIG clubs that win the league do, leaving license fee paid ex- BIG club footballers flabbergasted and moribund. 'How very dare they!' Three days later, the foie gras chompers then went on to happily dip their artisan crackers when a draw left Them Foxes 'clinging on', as normal Premier League service looked likely to be resumed as North London Journo's team Tottingham could claim the place back again, which is obviously rightfully theirs, or one of the Masonic pals anyway.

*NEWS FLASH* BIG clubs all fail to take advantage and are left wringing their blankies while Nanny shouts at them for being bad boys and sending them to bed with no supper.

On Wednesday, it was reported that the 5 BIG clubs went for a foie gras lunch in a salubrious hotel in That There London to discuss how they can make more money. Smited by the revelation that the other 15 'small' clubs in the league can make a fortune from next season thanks to the TV deal, they got a bill paid for by an American Billionaire to discuss how they should get automatic rights into a BIG EUROPEAN COMPETITION, simply based on who they are. Overlooking the fact that some of them haven't earned the usual right to that show due to them being poor for years.

In more positive news, new FIFA King Of Football Gianni Infantino got to the grass roots of the bootiful game by taking his board members out of the office and onto the training pitch, bibs and all. If his doppelganger Pierluigi Collina had been reffing, the world would have collapsed.

Mr. LPG, low emission manager of Manchester United PLC proved us wrong by putting his notepad down and came out of the dugout and learned how to remonstrate by demonstrate.

And The People's Club Everton found that a billionaire was bored of Arsenal and became a Blue overnight. As usual the 'Bitter Blues' were quick to grumble, but just ahead of that they were all like…

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