Dear Marj #6

Dear Marj

I have a problem. Ive been a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly five years, a lovely, caring man. Our relationship was always based around the finer things in life, going to exhibitions, bottles of beaujolais by the roaring fire, trips up west to the theatre. Recently, however, weve hit a stumbling block.

Last summer he went to Ibiza for a stag do, and ever since hes been a changed man. His dress sense was the first thing I noticed. He used to be such a stylish dresser – tailored suits, well groomed etc. Ever since he returned from the white isle hes worn nothing but deep v-neck vests and snap back caps. Sex, too has become a problem. Before his holiday, he was a caring lover – all cunnilingus and extended remix foreplay sessions. Now hes become what my sister calls a two-pump chump and worse still, every time he ejaculates, he shouts Fackk orfff at the top of his lungs.

Also, we used to be members of the local salsa school, he was a really elegant mover – one of the best in the class. Now, whenever he hears music he breaks into a strange form of dancing, shuffling his feet from left to right, pumping his fists, pouting like a duck sucking a lime. I went to see my doctor about this, and was told that my boyfriend might have picked up a virus called Deep House, apparently theres quite a lot of it going round in mainland Europe at the moment. Hes assured me its not an STD, but Im worried I might be displaying the early signs of the disease myself – I recently found myself pulling duck/lime faces when a car drove by playing a really boring R&B acapella over a dull 4/4 beat. Is there a cure? Am I infected? What can I do to get my man back?

Desperately yours,

Leanne 

Dear Leanne,

It sounds like your case is quite severe. I am truly sorry for the loss of your boyfriend to this epidemic that is sweeping through anyone who takes drugs ages 21 to 35. Yes, all of the sign point to a classic case of Deep House Virus.

As you mentioned, it is mostly prevalent in mainland Europe. Subjects are known to come back from deep house festivals abroad and say things like Like, brah, I feel like this week has rilly changed the way I look at life, brah, and repeating to themselves Were definitely going next year, were definitely going next year, were definitely going next year even though no one is around them to listen or care.

The only way to know for sure if you or your boyfriend have 100% got the virus is to look through your facebook. Are all your photos group shots of loads of people in various types of hat pulling wacky faces and sweating? Do you have loads of friends that you met through doing drugs and not really much else? Do you find yourself endlessly looking at other peoples photos of groups of mates that you know through doing drugs and not really much else in various types of hat all pulling wacky faces and sweating and get pangs of jealousy, even though you know that they were just doing the same thing you do every weekend, but abroad? Then unfortunately it is too late for you and you have definitely caught the virus.

Do not despair as it is not the end, dear Leanne. These viruses mutate over time and cause different effects in the host. For example, the Deep House Virus actually mutated twice before coming to its current state. The first form was the dreaded Drum and Bass strain. Common behaviours included smoking large amounts of Skunk marijuana, being rude to your mum and wanting to do so many drugs that that the non-sensical music one was listening to seemed to have some kind of purpose. This quickly evolved into the Dubstep mutation, which made subjects do large amounts of methadrone, be rude to their girlfriends/boyfriends, and made them want to do so many drugs that the non-sensical music they were listening seemed to have some kind of purpose.

Now we have come to the Deep House virus. Its such a shame that we have this burden on our youngest and brightest but its unfortunately a side effect of the modern 9 to 5 lifestyle. In this sense there may not be a cure per se. It may be a terrible affliction handed to us by the Gods. And Andy C and Rusko. The only thing I can suggest for you and your boyfriend is to keep living. Although you may be conscious of the fact that you are stuck in an endless and infinite loop of drugs, status updates, group photos and comments like Yah, i dunno like, I dont really like (insert trendy electronic music genre) anymore, its just so much easier for me to actually dance to (insert trendy electronic music genre)., you can still find solace in things like self referencing jokes about your drug fuelled lifestyle, irony, and the occasional comedown that doesnt make you self conscious at work.

I hope this helps. Good luck Leanne.

Regards

Marj R$N