"I have the body of an 18-year old. I keep it in the fridge" - S. Milligan
“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States” - S. Milligan
"Tax dodge nothing! You take one nap in a ditch in the park and they start declaring you this and that" - H. Farnsworth
"Ah, to be young again. And also a robot" - H. Farnsworth
“If you are a positive person you will undoubtedly have orbs around you" - N. Edmonds
THE LEAD STORY
This Week is in tribute to Noel Edmonds. He's not dead or even ill, but he is worth dedicating a whole four minutes to. I could bore you with talk about the baby born four years after the parents died in a car crash, or the white supremacist group preparing to hold their first official conference in London, or the Sheffield tree massacre, but I won't. This week is all about Noel Ernest Edmonds. He rose through the DJ ranks to become television's light entertainment king (honestly this won't take long)...
all of his several shit TV programmes in the '80s, opening his own Crinkley Bottom theme park in the '90s and killing Clive Anderson in the '00s, Noel Ernest Edmonds is riding a wave of positivity with his very positive radio show called Positively Noel on his own radio station called Positivity Radio World — and it's advert free! Fucking GET IN MY SON! Are you listening yet??
So where's the catch, huh? I've searched long and hard to find one and I can safely say there isn't one. Well, except perhaps his obsession with Lloyds Banking Group, which after the HBOS scandal fleeced him for a multi-million pound sum a decade ago. And he wants you to know about it. Like, he really, REALLY wants you to know about it.
Every song played on Positivity Radio World is a dig at Lloyds, with titles like 'Be Honest', 'Little Lies', 'Survivor' and 'Love Truth & Honesty'.
Noel interviews himself talking about how Lloyds are the worst company on the planet between every song.
In place of adverts, there are numerous audio idents telling you how great it is that there aren't any adverts.
It's glorious! I don't speak for Ransom Note when I say that I highly recommend it.
But if you don't want to listen to Positively Noel, that's fine. Let's check out some other great stuff he's done.
Like the time he styled out laughing at a Deal or No Deal contestant.
"Gorgeous face, absolutely gorgeous face."
Here he is as a young boy, about 13 I'd say.
And here he is looking a little glum. Slightly emotional, probably just after he opened his Lloyds current account.
Here's Noel Ernest Edmonds holding a cat and a cock.
This is Noel after a near fatal outbreak of small pox.
IN OTHER NEWS...
This is still are briton!
Fank god were leavin the Euro or somethink otherwize weel be roylee fuckd. x
In at the deep end. That's why you should always swim in pairs. In case you accidently, or intentionally, fuck a clam.
BIG QUESTION OF THE WEEK
What is Facebook?
Answers, AS ALWAYS, on a postcard sent to our email address at the bottom of this internet web page.co.uk
Before and after.
This is fucking shit.
That rock is fucking shit, Yoko Ono.
It's goodbye from me.
And it's goodbye from him.
Have a positive weekend, all.
I'll leave you with Noel Edmonds scaring children. What a joker.