Fenech Soler

Some bright spark has knocked together a topshop app. Its fucking brilliant. What you do, right, is you shake your iPAD really really hard and close your eyes and think of the cast of Skins naked, in a roman style circus, burying their manacled fists deep, deep into each others darkest cavities. In the stands watching this horrific display you need to picture an army of ancient wheezing A&R men snorting coke made from iron filings and wanking into the eyes of mice. As the A&R men stare, wank and snort, down in the pit blood is flying everywhere, blood and spunk and tears of agony wept from pristine sta-prest faces. And the A&R cadavers, they hum, in an ever rising crescendo, Mister Misters redemption classic Take These Broken Wings until the screaming from the pit melds into the now roared Broken Wings and firey brimstone spurts from slug like fissure cracking throughout the crumbling colliseum whilst the acrid stench of sweat and sulphur pollutes the air. Higher and higher the ghastly chorus ascends until God himself hurls bolts of furious righteousness down cleansing the boiling seas of the woeful world we have imagined ourselves into, smiting the vicious and the ignorant and erasing the word jeggings from the lexicon of humanity, leaving only a blank serenity in your tiny mind. And then you need to keep on thinking and thinking and shaking your iTHING and thinking and shaking and in the blissful silence of the world that follows eventually a song will come, the first song ever written, the first attempt to make some sense of the senseless condition we meekly know of as humanity. And I can guarantee you now that that song wont be this pointless cynical cack from Fenech Soler.

Ian Mcquaid

• Funnily enough the label have removed this track from youtube and anywhere else you might be able to form an opinion on it before its release.