HI. It's me Ian. This week I had the long awaited joy of finally being someone. I'd written a VIRAL HIT. It was bigger than Jesus. It was the greatest thing ever. It was 40 seconds of David Cameron saying U Ain't No Muslim Bruv, laid over some very old grime beats, with some added pig sounds thrown in because who doesn't like pigs? a billion people listened to it, which is not much if you're Justin Bieber, but fucking loads if you live in a hut on the edge of Romney Marshes. Little did I realise as I sat there in my freezing cold garret, snorting like a sexy hog into a laptop microphone, that I'd found my calling.
I'm nothing if not a one trick pony, so I've decided to capitilise on my new found position as the world's first and greatest official rave satirist by remixing Donald Trump. I hope it makes you happy. This may be the last you hear from me.