special disco mention #13: Jesus


Spare a thought for Jesus this Christmas. Its the mans birthday and all we get to hear about these days is Father fucking Christmas/the Queens speech/Cliff Richard/Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer etc etc etc. Hijacked. I feel for the man. I must admit Im not exactly a religious person myself, but having said that Ive recently realised that there are a couple of things within christianity (and, within that – Jesus) that appeal. Here they are:

First and foremost – thanks for the days off work: If you had a couple of days off every time it was your bosses birthday, youd probably like your boss a lot more. Thanks Jesus.

Secondly: gospel music. Christmas songs are generally shit. Silent Nights a bloody dirge, Little Donkey sounds like it was written by a deaf person and dont even get me started on fucking Mistletoe and Wine. But Gospel music, GOSPEL MUSIC, now thats a whole different kettle of fish. Imagine how much better life would be if Instead of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer blaring out of Accesorize from the middle of bloody August we had Sam Cookes Touch The Hem of His Garment.  I personally, would be happy to see Christmas extended year round if that were the case, rather than feeling like I want to bite off my own leg if I hear Jingle Bells one more time. So, from now on ‘Christmas Music’ will be Gospel. It’s a campaign, get on board, write to your local MP, chain yourself to some railings.

I could go on about the other things I like about Jesus and Christianity, but actually, Ive realised thats all there is: Days off and Gospel. Its something, though, isnt it? It probably doesnt qualify me with the credentials to get into heaven, but I can live (and die) with that. 

Anyway, must dash – its time to get out there and pray to the real god of this time of year – consumerism – and spend as much money on tat that nobody wants in exchange for all the tat Ill be getting that I dont want, sending us all hurtling ever closer to bankruptcy and further greasing the mits of the fat cats who run Tie Rack and Sock Shop. Yay. Merry Christmas! Happy Birthday Jesus! Heres a (Proper) Christmas Classic to play us out…