View From The Side: Texts And Drugs


Once upon a time cocaine was an innocent medicine prescribed for depression and impotency. It was so effective, in fact, that Sigmund Freud dosed himself up on it and wrote ‘Über Coca’, an early, long-winded, chorus-less Austrian version of ‘CoCo'.  (I was going to make a joke about Freud being stuck on the nasal stage, but apparently someone has already put this stage of development forward as a real theory.)

Despite being made illegal in the UK in 1920 – by the Dangerous Drug Act – after the innocent medicine started making people die and have their noses fall apart, Britain is still enthralled by coke, charlie, gak or whatever else you want to call it. According to a much publicised March report by the government’s advisory council on the misuse of drugs, this is because the market has been opened up to a poorer, younger demographic as coke itself gets shitter and cheaper. It’s the Diet Coke effect; all of the taste, but very little of the effect.

So it's not just public services, benefits and any sense of hope that's being cut under the Tories. It's also your wrap, which is likely to have a purity somewhere in the single figures. This is a fact that been broadcast everywhere, from the broadsheets to Vice. Yet it hasn't stopped the country hovering up lines of adulterant like never before. So why? 

Partly, it’s blind optimism in the face of all evidence, the mechanics of addiction over-ruling common sense. Yet, knowing this, dealers have adopted the brazen method of cold texting potential buyers, ensuring that even deleted numbers now come back to haunt you. Called a number once three years ago because your mates wanted to get a gram on a Friday night? Then the chances are that you're on a list and are now receiving texts filled with outright fairytales. 

'10/10 Super Pure Peng', is what you want to believe when you're staggering back to a flat with a load of mates/strangers after closing time, especially if it's followed by the promise of 'Available Anywhere Anytime'. Did Pablo Escobar use his massive '80s mobile phone to text the people he was supplying with the promise that his goods were 'Direct From the Producers 100%'? Probably not, but then his was. 

When it comes to modern day drug marketing, the more blatant the lie, the more we want to believe it. But now it seems even hitting someone with a monthly text promising ‘super fat bags’ isn’t enough. Dealers aren’t giving out loyalty cards yet, but, given these current marketing ploys, they’re not far off.


You’d think that flogging a drug that Professor Nutt placed in the top five worst, judged on harm to the user and harm to others, might put you on slightly shakey ground in the eyes of the people you’re selling it to, especially when you’re then cutting it with all manner of unknown shit. But no, some of these public servants just have your best interests at heart (something their wares are liable to stop working). ‘*WARNING* don’t drink & drive, just get high’, says a clearly altruistic message ‘sponsord by saj entertainment’. Unfortunately the change in drug driving laws back in March means low grade is no longer the first choice of the designated drive.


Is your dealer the hardest working man in snow business? Then you’ve probably had a text promising a white Christmas in the past. Does this pillar of the community ever take a day off? Can’t Britain go one day without sticking shit up its hooter? The answer to both appears to be no. Our favourite is the thoughtful guy who as well as wishing all his clients a ‘lovely valentine’, one spent ganking themselves to sleep alone if he has anything to do with it, celebrates the true meaning of Easter (something to do with Jesus) by giving away a free egg with all orders.


One £60 wrap of (ahem) pure cocaine not enough? Just found out that marijuana is actually the same as weed? Already pre-booked ahead for every weekend in perpetuity because you’ve finally admitted that you’re a hopeless gak head? Fuck it then, why not order a ‘LARGE QUANTITY’? So what if there’s a nagging doubt that this mobile number is also the ‘complaints’ line? He’s YOUR FRIEND.


You know we mentioned loyalty cards earlier? It might seem like ‘BUSINESS AS USUAL’ (with all these emphatic caps you’d think that some dealers had cocaine good enough to get wired on) but your feedback is apparently much appreciated. So next time you get a 0.6 gram of baby teething powder, try calling your man back to get a full g of baby teething powder. In his defence, he does seems like a decent enough guy offering to return someone’s misplaced debit card the next day. Wonder how they managed to lose it?


The results of the survey are in and it turns out that what everyone wants from their dealer is… the offer of a sideline hair styling and bridal make up. Now that’s something you definitely couldn’t make up…