This Week…What’s New For 2017?
"First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you." – F. Scott Fitzgerald
"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." – James Agate
"Going to a party, for me, is as much a learning experience as, you know, sitting in a lecture." – Natalie Portman
As we all are more than aware, 2017 was a pretty tumultuous year for everyone who were lucky enough to actually survive it. It began so innocently, yet there was no way anybody could predict what was going to happen over the course of the 12 months that followed. But this year, we're ready. We're better equipped to handle the onslaught of woe that 2017 will undoubtedly bring. Les Dennis becoming the world hot dog eating champion? Why not go on Les do us proud. What if the Queen has been Cain from RoboCop all this time? *Yawn*, what else is new? So, in an attempt to perhaps prepare ourselves for the coming months here are three of our predictions for 2017.
NIGEL FARAGE ACCEPTS JOB UPHOLSTERING YOUR GRANS FURNITURE.
After losing out on becoming an MP, an ambassador to Donald Trump and one of his top aides, a Brexit negotiator Nigel Farage has just been announced as one of LBC's regular radio hosts. If we know Farage though, which admittedly we don't but we can make some guesses as to what type of person he is, we imagine he'll have his sights set on his next potential role. But for a man who's done it all – not many of us can say we've divided a country down racial lines of course – where can he go? It seems like he'll take any opportunity that's given to him and that includes upholstering your Gran's furniture if the price is right.
BREXIT TO BE FINE GUYS
Perhaps this may be the most absurd prediction of them all, but hear me out on this. Just today – yes this very day – Jamie Oliver has been forced to close six of his restaurants because of Brexit. We are all aware of the ancient Buddhist proverb that goes 'if Jamie Oliver is frowning then the world is smiling', but we predict this is just the very beginning. No more will we see 'unpatriotic' shops like Ikea (Swedish) and Nandos (Portuguese…well, I suppose it's Portuguese in the same way that Pizza Hut is Italian) on our high streets. Instead, they will be replaced by thousands and thousands of Wilkinson superstores selling everything from cut price Dulux – to paint our houses in the red, white and blue of the Union Jack – to 50p bottles of flourescent green shampoo. We will revert back to the legal tenders of old such as the thriffybobbing, half a bobbleschwimping and a pittance of a third of a goggleblobbiffing. And yes, we can finally buy our potatoes in pounds and/or fucking ounces, whichever is more 'British'.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE
You think we're safe now 2016 is over? Come on guys.
AND NOW FOR THE NEWS IN BRIEF…
MILLIONS REMAIN HUNGOVER FROM CHRISTMAS
CAPTION WRITES ITSELF
SERIOUSLY THOUGH, CONGRATULATIONS FARAGE ON YOUR NEW JOB
Seriously, though, huge congratulations to Nigel Farage on landing his dream job. pic.twitter.com/GaaFOfQRdn
— Andrew R (@ExcelPope) January 5, 2017