This Week…What's Britain?

Commentary

"I have to be seen to be believed." – Queen Elizabeth

"I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff." – Prince Phillip

"The aim of my life is to overthrow the monarchy." – Karl Liebknecht

QUEEN TURNS 90 OR 180 HOWEVER YOU LOOK AT IT

Inhabiting the same ageless vortex where other British national treasures such as Bruce Forsyth, David Attenborough and Mary Berry reside protected from the slow inevitability of age the Queen turns 90 today, or 180 depending on how you look at it. For over 250 years the Queen or King has had two birthdays, yet another British tradition to add to the pile alongside hooliganism, calling your child Barry, shattering your spine chasing a wheel of cheese down a steep hill and Greggs.

There’s a lot of talk about British identity at the minute and what our identity now, in 2016, is. If there was ever a greater counter point to the Pro-Brexit argument of ‘we’ve lost what it means to be British’ then here it is in full force with the image of a melted Mr Burns looking Prince Philip residing front and centre beside an incomprehensibly bald at 33 years old man in Prince William. If you believe that the true essence of ‘British life’ has been stolen from you then simply read this BBC article entitled ‘Who, What, Why: How dangerous are swans?’ and reassess your decision.

People say that the ‘British way of life’ is being diluted but in my opinion it’s never been stronger, it’s all around us. Step inside a London McDonalds at 11pm on a Thursday night and you’ll find a drunken man in a suit eating a Big Mac, that’s 21st century Britain. Two of the most popular TV shows in recent years are dedicated to craft bakery and ballroom dancing and Emmerdale continues to be an acceptable thing to watch. Grown men can still fight at a Village Fetes, places like ‘Chapel-en-le Frith’ still exist and you can still get live updates and video feed from Maypole celebrations in Surrey. For fuck’s sake my hometown’s local paper can dedicate an entire news story to my real life milkman Uncle when youngsters kept stealing his milk which, I shit you not, included an actual quote from an actual police officer which read “we’re taking these thefts, the disruption and loss of business very seriously and we want to trace those responsible.” ABOUT MILK.

Now what it means to be ‘British’ is a completely subjective opinion for us all to have. However if you’re holding on to some sort of veined Churchill inspired patriotism then please be safe in the knowledge that we remain as gloriously shite as we once were, so let’s just stay in the EU and make it a bit more interesting.

Anyway if you’re quick you can stream the Queen’s birthday celebrations over on the BBC website here like some sort of regal Boiler Room where the hats don’t say ‘Supreme’ on them, it’s subsidised by the tax payer and there’s a severe lack of Red Stripe but everyone still looks just as sad to be there.