This Week…What Happened Last Night?


“This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.” – T.S. Eliot

"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make the rest of us wonder at the possibility that we might be missing something." – Gamal Abdel Nasser

"I run a tight ship, not a shite tip!" – Still Game


Do you ever find yourself staring blankly upwards at the stained ceiling in your bedroom, thoughts from the night before racing around your head like a sort of hamster wheel of the surreal?

Mostly, for normal scum like us those thoughts are 'should I have urinated there?', 'how was it physically possible to urinate there?' and 'urinating right now would disprove all that we have learned through thousands of years of medical and scientific advancements but here I am doing it?' For others, those thoughts are 'if in thousands of years time this will be the day historians cite as the catalyst for the destruction of all civilisation as we know it, why is it being soundtracked by Three Doors Down, a band who look like the end result of an early-phase DNA splicing experiment between Steve Buscemi and all men from those 'Russia is crazy' YouTube compilations?' I guess Trump's bestseller 'The Art of the Deal' came in handy when booking those A listers. 

Addressing the crowds at the Lincoln Memorial Trump took to the stage to the sound of The Rolling Stones – Heart Of Stone, which is more than just a little ironic for a few reasons. 1, If you have a 'Heart Of Stone' you're a bit of a bastard and 2, the first two lines of the song are 'There've been so many girls that I've known, I've made so many cry and still I wonder why'. You're not the only one who wonders why you keep making them cry Donald. OH, wait, could it perhaps be the pussy grabbing thing? That time you spoke about putting your hands on stranger's vaginas, think that's why? I mean I'm no moral angel – I steal 5p carrier bags all the time – but I think we could be getting warmer on the 'why have I made so many women cry-o-meter'.

On the other side of town we had the 'Deploraball', a party held in Trump's honour which was sort of like a more racist American equivalent of the Brit Awards. Everyone's white, the cocaine was in healthy supply and a large percentage of the world's worst people were there. Oh, how could I forget, everyone was there to celebrate an absolute cunt winning something they shouldn't have.



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