This Week…What do you get when a Magnum, a drunk and a stray cow walk into a bar?
"A sticky situation?" – Gordon Ramsay
"De-stress remedies for farmers?" – George Orwell
"A wet dream?" – Jonny Depp
You guessed it: another painstakingly unfunny This Week article.
We've been gifted some real corkers this week. Some properly bonkers shit. Drunken pilots, environmentally friendly wrestling, apocalyptic urban scenes. The works. Let's just get into it, shall we?
If there's one thing a no-deal Brexit doesn't need, it's a Magnum drought. Can you imagine having to deal with the horrifying economic ramifications without a crisp mint and chocolate ice cream? Unilever have got our backs.
If that drought does hit our shores though, I guess the British man's drunkeness may become a more common sight. That's a far more expensive drink than a London pint, and here we are complaining.
Maybe it isn't a de-stressing tool after all. Though these urban cows are becoming a problem, it's far better having them roam the streets than Bengali Tigers. No, not the drink in 'Spoons. Ooooh look at you, finishing dry January and all. Who's a big adult, all grown up. Pathetic!
Seems as though India isn't the only country experiencing animal rebellion. Danish pigs have clashed with diseased German wild boars, leading to the erection of what I like to call the Frankfurter Wall…
No? C'mon, I'm trying here!
Those kisses are being blown directly at the WWE. Coincidence that the WWE was once the WWF? I think not! Nice to see they've opted for a new hemp belt instead of the old leather one.
There's about as much meat in that new belt as there were in Tyson Foods' chicken nuggets. Rubber chicken's a dog toy, isn't it?
The Italian Police performed the ol' switcheroo on a group of vigilante drug mobsters known as the 'Gulf Clan'. Swapping sniff for sodium, the feds managed to carry out the biggest drug bust in 25 years.
Hardly any snow in comparison to Chicago, though. 'Chiberia' has had it rough this past week with temperatures hitting -50°F.
— Terry Greenbeans (@TerryGreenbeans) January 30, 2019
To finish, a singer called Kelsy Karter got a fake Harry Styles tattoo. Doesn't really look like him, does it?