This Week…Turkey, Don’t You Want Me & Tiny Violins.

"Education is our passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to the people who prepare for it today." – Malcolm X

"Funk is basically simple. Put everything you can in and do the best you can. You know, I'll throw the kitchen sink in the record." – George Clinton

"We were the rebels of the music industry so we wanted to make a rebellious song." – Brian Harvey, East 17

TURKEY SHOOTS DOWN RUSSIAN PLANE. WORLD COLLECTIVELY SHITS SELF.

Conveniently most of the modern world were playing Fallout 4, a game that focuses on surviving the aftermath of a nuclear war, at the time Turkey shot down a Russian fighter jet so we're all adequately trained for the impending world doom that's set to follow. Turkey are now hoping to calm tensions over the downed Russian jet with an official resprentative of the Turkish government issuing a statement that read 'OF COURSE WE FUCKING ARE ARE YOU MENTAL? IT'S RUSSIA YOU FUCKING MORON.' I can't help but feel that this is the political equivalent of finally sticking up to that boy at school who's been picking on you for years to then instantly learn that punching them did absolutely nothing and now you and all your mates are in for a new world of hurt.

Let's just all bury ourselves in the sand and wait for this to blow over. 

OSBORNE U TURNS ON TAX CREDITS. DOESN'T MATTER MUCH.

Posh man tries to appeal to 'hard working people' by scrapping his plans to axe working tax credits. Doesn't really matter that much for poorer families in the long run. Let's just all listen to a remix of The Human League's 'Don't You Want Me Baby' where all the lyrics have been changed to 'you were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar' and pretend everything is fine. 

SALES OF OLIVER SOAR AS PEOPLE WHO CAN'T BUY SECOND HOMES COME TO TERMS WITH THEIR NEW LIFE.

AND NOW FOR THIS WEEK'S INSTALMENT OF 'WHO IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD?'

KATIE HOPKINS?

Katie Hopkins, Daily Mail/The Sun columnist and the personification of evil itself in its most purest form, has had a relatively bad week. Taking a break from calling drowning children cockroaches, being the star of her own period drama biopic by having sex in a field amid the English wildlife or simply being the Dictionary definition of the word 'ugh', KT took part in a debate at Brunel University which was swiftly interrupted by a mass walk out. Did this happen to the worst person in the world this week? Or should that accolade have been saved for, say…

DONALD TRUMP? 

The world's most valuable colostomy bag Donald Trump, otherwise known as 'man who looks like his mum still cuts up his spaghetti', outdid himself this week by insulting both a disabled journalist and an entire race of people. He has since denied both of those things but I can't help but feel that if you have to deny such specific things then they probably happened. I mean, denying you've never been to Paraguay? That's pretty common and believable. Never seeing Thin Lizzy live? Yeah I can get down with that. Not urging a crowd of thousands to forcibly eject a Black Lives Matter protester then a few days later mimicking the actions of a journalist with a congenital joint condition? Bit too specific mate, next time you'll be telling us you've never fucked a dead pig. 

AND NOW, WHAT HAPPENED TO…

The woman who released the doves at the end of the Michael Jackson trial?

This…

UNTIL NEXT WEEK…