"You don't learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing, by falling over, and then flogging the CCTV footage." – R. Branson
"No, we’ll do it with a hose later.” – M. Berry
"The melodies are sick and the words are fucking funny. You won’t be scratching your chin, it’s chin-out music." – L. Gallagher
Following in the footsteps of Oasis, Robbie Williams, Little Mix, One Direction and James Corden, Nigel Farage attempted to break America this week by rejoining his seminal breakthrough band 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse'.
Reuniting with racist bassist Donald Trump Nigel addressed their die hard fans in Mississippi, hoping to emulate the success he's had on UK soil with his solo project 'Nigel Farage and the Brexits'.
"I never in my lifetime thought I would see the band back together" said lifelong supporter Randy McAllen speaking exclusively to TMZ.
"All we need now is Mugabe and Murdoch to come back and we'll be rocking all the way to the White House."
First hitting the scene in the Book of Revelation of Jesus Christ to John the Apostle, at 6:1-8 the Four Horsemen are widely known for bringing sickness, hunger, poverty, war and standing on Lego with bare feet to the world.
The Labour Party in 2016 is a sorry state of affairs, or as I like to call it 'The Self Destructing Hopes And Dreams Bonfire In A Fireworks Factory…Party'. It's like watching a group of ketamine fuelled 11 year olds play on a train track or testing how flammable petrol is by drinking it then swallowing a match. This week the nation has been enthralled in what has been called 'Traingate', 'gate' being the go to word that in reference to an political scandal in the 1970s now describes everything from cakes to sausage rolls, the story of one man, one train and a billionaire who can own his own island while still somehow coming across as relatable. I would want to go into more detail about this story but a) by now you already know all the details and b) within that first paragraph I've already successfully described to you the events of not only the past week but the entire post-Brexit landscape.
Lies and politics are not a new marriage of course, and it's wishful thinking to say that Corbyn does not in some way try to form a narrative of his own against constant media hounding. Yes it's disappointing but Jeremy Corbyn bending the truth is like walking in on your parents having sex, you tried to make yourself believe it doesn't happen but behind closed doors they have the sexual appetite of a cowboy plumber on his way to a stag night in Prague. Plus I have it on good authority that your Dad's a top shagger too.
I realise the irony here in talking about something to question why we're talking about that very thing so here are just a few examples of things we could have been talking about instead of things relating to a man riding a train:
– Tories scrapping the Human Rights Act
– 8 minute long compilations of people doing front/backflips and how cool it is
– How when you close your eyes it's really dark until you open them back up again
– How old is Bruce Forsyth but actually though?
AND NOW FOR THE NEWS IN BRIEF…
FRANCE ADDS 'SWIMWEAR' TO LIST OF FEARS.
Burkinis bad, this apparently OK.
EDINBURGH FRINGE BRINGS THE LAUGHTER
BUT, BUT THE TRAINS