This Week… Stuff That Isn’t Terrible
"Deception is the art of war." – James Patterson
"The clock talked loud. I threw it away, it scared me what it talked." – Tillie Olsen
"Someday we'll all be free." – Donny Hathaway
What a bloody week it’s been eh? We’ve seen racism on the rise, economic catastrophe, political allegiances torn into shreds, a country has been thrust into the unknown without any form of leadership, the latest series of Game Of Thrones ended, the list goes on and on. I’m even looking at those ‘inspiring’ videos old school friends who still live in your hometown post on Facebook and tearing up a little.
In what is arguably the darkest political times of a generation it’s difficult to think how the whole thing could be much worse? Well they can, so instead of dwelling on how fucked everything is currently let’s lift ourselves up and talk about how much more fucked everything could have been.
TAIWANESE WARSHIP ‘ACCIDENTALLY’ MISSILES CHINA
We’re all prone to the odd accident here and there. If I’ve learned any thing from my Mum’s middle-class collection of motivational fridge magnets it’s that ‘life is full of accidents, some good, some bad’ and that ‘I’ll give up chocolate but I’m no quitter’ however I’ve never really understood the relevance of that quote in my own life. One of those ‘happy accidents’ occurred this week when Taiwan ‘mistakenly’ fired a missile towards China, it’s once bitter rival in a move that could have easily resulted in a) war, and b) a unified ‘NOT NOW TAIWAN’ cry from the rest of the world. Fortunately though everything was chill as the missile failed to reach the mainland, everyone sort of forgot about it and the UK got back to its favourite pastime of dousing our society in petrol and watching the whole fucking thing burn.
BREXIT: THE REAL ‘HUNG’ PARLIAMENT
Brexit’s effects have been widespread, our country left truly buggered with a long, hard road ahead for recovery. Before Brexit we would usually turned to various news sources to read about how our widely spread ASSets have been taken a good pounding by a group of men resulting in a long and hard recovery, but now we can simply look to the Brexit themed erotic novel aptly titled: ‘Pounded by the Pound: Turned Gay by the Socioeconomic Implications of Britain Leaving the European Union’.
As The Guardian reports Pounded By The Pound is a story of a man in post-Brexit Britain who falls in lust with a sentient pound coin with a face, legs and a throbbing piece of British metal hanging dangling between them as the pair navigate post-apocalyptic London, which already sounds better than Catcher In The Rye in my eyes. You may know the author, who goes by the name of ‘Tingle’, by some of his other hit novels such as ‘Hunter Dentist: Pounded in the Butt by Cecil the Handsome Unicorn’ and the family favourite ‘Pounded in the Butt by my Handsome Ghost Boats’, two works which have cemented his place amongst literature greats such as Shakespeare and Ross Kemp.
OTHER THINGS THAT MAKE EVERYTHING NOT SHIT
TEN WALLS CAME BACK THEN RIGHTFULLY FUCKED OFF AGAIN. FONDLES INVISIBLE BOLLOCKS TO PROVE HE’S SORRY.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH REMAINS ALIVE
WE WON 1966 WORLD CUP
MAJOR WALTER C. WINGFIELD INVENTED TENNIS IN 1873
THAT’S ABOUT IT