This Week…Presidents, Pensions And Pity
"I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening" – Aleister Crowley
"Stupidity – The top of the list for satanic sins." – Anton Szandor LaVey
"Catholic school roughed me up." – Paul McKenna
Presidential candidates flaunting their balls, 25 year olds being kicked in the balls and a man who now has none. It's this week's This Week…
JEB BUSH PROVES HE'S A MAN
Flailing and floundering presidential hopeful Jeb Bush, brother to George W. and Kate Bush, this week showed that really guys he like, super means business after tweeting the photo of a handgun captioned simply 'America'. The gun was even given with a cute inscription on the barrel reading 'Gov. Jeb Bush' which was presumably picked up in what I imagine is the paranoid death-enthusiasts equivalent of the Build A Bear Workshop. Whether when you pull the trigger a personalised recorded message plays out milliseconds before the inevitable bloodshed happens is unknown but thanks to Jeb branded handguns are set to be the fresh look for spring, like festival bandanas were in 2015 only with more dead people and childless mothers and stuff. Still though what a great idea that is, it opens up so many possibilities. I want all future wars to be branded with the slogan 'Brought To You By Jeb Bush' and preferably filmed on GoPros, streamed live on YouTube and hosted by Davina McCall. A Big Brother's Little Brother style behind the scenes show wouldn't be a bad shout either.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE SKINT WHEN WE'RE OLD
So that paper who talk about how good it is to be rich the Financial Times came out to say this week that 'millennials', one of those buzzwords people use to remain current without actually understanding what it means such as like 'vlogging', 'the economy', 'Tidal' and 'insert Kanye West opinion here', should be saving £800 towards their pension from the age of 25. Yes between eating, living in a house, bills, travelling to places, student loans, payments to Netflix, spending £35 on pizza when you're drunk, Supreme t-shirts, Nutribullets, apps that allow you to switch your face with a famous person and the odd 25p you spend going to the toilet at train stations we're supposed to be saving £800 per month to make sure that when we're old we're not skint as well as saggy. For many that opportunity is simply beyond our reach. For most the dream of reaching that ripe old age, where somehow everything in the Daily Mail makes sense and kids hanging around outside your house fills you with the type of fear last experienced during the D Day landings, with a penny to your name is no more. Sorry guys.
MAN HAS LAST SHRED OF DIGNITY ERASED FOR ALL ETERNITY
For what must now hold the record for the world's hardest kick in the bollocks a man lost any tiny remnants of dignity that he owned after the Daily Mail ran an article describing how his own wife is tired of having sex with him. Just doesn't fancy it, kinda bored. Yes even the touch of her husband 'makes her skin crawl', presumably quaffed as the tip of her husband's penis coiled itself into the dark cavernous retreats of his body to remain there for all eternity, wilted from years of emotional battery, tired of what he's been handed to in life. People say that we've advanced as a society but I can't help but feel this is the kind of public shame matched with being whipped naked through the streets of Tudor London or being outed as someone who's excited to see Coldplay at Glastonbury. It's like shitting yourself in front of all your ex-girlfriends. I mean, you can actually pinpoint the exact second his heart rips in half. If you're reading this, sad lowly man, I have only one piece of advice for you; become a Junior Doctor. At least then you'll know you'll be getting fucked for the rest of your life.
AND NOW FOR THE NEWS IN BRIEF…
POPE SAYS CONDOMS ARE OK. ALSO BECOMES BIGGEST THING IN HIP HOP.
ANNUAL LOVE DAY HAPPENS