This Week…Karma, Karma And More Karma
"How it got in the oven I don't know." – W. Churchill
"To cut a long story short I had to lose the toe." – M. Scorsese
"The bigger the boos, the bigger I'll howl" – S. from Blue
Last week we celebrated the worst people in this society which, and I'm only speaking for myself here, made us want to sit in an empty bath for a while just to come to terms with a few things. As the Christmas season is almost upon us I thought it only right to celebrate the people who make this world great OR, more specifically, the acts of beautiful karma and divine justice that make all the world's bastardry easier to handle. So, which cunts got what they deserved this week?
The big story in this week's 'You Got What You Deserved' special is of course the news that Martin Shkreli, y'know the guy who ISIS excommunicated for being too heartless, has been arrested. In what was a crash course in experiencing the true meaning of Christmas joy Martin was arrested by the FBI on fraud charges proving that even his co-workers and investors are not safe from being fucked over by a guy who essentially looks someone who calls people 'faggots' on Xbox Live, wanks to photos of gamer girls on Comic Con cosplay photo galleries and cites Alkaline Trio's 'Good Mourning' as the greatest album of all time.
What's not to hate about Sports Direct, the cut price retailer that trades in Reebok Classics and the misery of an entire under privileged work force (oh, and white Slazenger tude socks)? It emerged this week (actually the middle of last week but we'll ignore that very relevant and important fact) via The Guardian that Sports Direct essentially pays below the minimum wage, conducts 'three strikes and your out' dismissals, perpetuates fear to it's employees, demands the souls of a person's first new born upon employment, says 'I'm not racist but…' ALL THE TIME, never replaces the milk in the fridge and picks their nose when they think nobody is watching but they definitely are. Basically, they're bastards but thankfully after the investigation stocks in the chain plummeted, Labour MPs called for a thorough investigation and their chief executive, a man who only needs to have the dialect of King Xerxes from 300 to be the perfect personification of greed and gluttony, has been forced to oversee a review of worker's conditions throughout his tracksuit empire. Oh it truly feels like Christmas in my belly right about now…
Now it's quite easy to mock the travelling types, so that's exactly why I'm going to do it. Y'know, those people who claim to have 'found themselves' by drinking 50p lager on a beach in Thailand with someone called Greg. Those people who claim to have experienced divine intervention of the human soul and an unfiltered, pure form of ecstasy that can only be found shagging a girl from Devon in a Vietnam hostel. That unique brand of transcendent soul searching that can only be found in, say, telling your family thousands of miles away that you will never see them again as a Thai man has kept you captive on an island. Wait, what? Yes this week Jordan cut the life expectancy of his family by an estimate of ten years by claiming that he had been kidnapped by a Thai man who was keeping him hostage on an island and that he will never see his family again. In reality he was found by Thai police strolling along a beach and swiftly apologised while telling everyone to just stop bloody worrying. I think now it's safe to say that nobody will.