This Week…Greggs Answer Your Questions
"It's these UKIP heavyweights which have led me to reconsider my career." – T. Fury
"Fracking is the crack cocaine of fossil fuels – one well is never enough." – A. Pickles
"I'll tell you what, that crack is really moreish." – T. May
We're expected to see MPs and politicians as the cornerstones of our society, the foundations of our communities. In actual fact however politicians are entirely the opposite of that, ethereal figures who you would take a photo with if they ventured into your local pub before wondering what the hell they were doing there with scum like you. Kinda like when you would see a school teacher during the weekend and would fail to comprehend the fact that they wore jeans just like the rest of us.
To many the cornerstones of our communities are something much simpler. They are the corner shop owners, the postal workers and for myself they are Greggs, Nandos, Morrisons, daytime television pundit Victoria Derbyshire and Scampi Fries. In our time of political anarchy and sociatal divide this week I turned to those figures within my community, figures so important to me who are integral to my life, and asked them one simple thing in a week of politics crazier than, well, the one about 2 weeks ago. Please, can you help us?
Here is what they said.
My affinity with Greggs goes way back. I'm from a town where there are three Greggs within two minutes walk of each other in my town centre, one of which is open until 3am and has a bouncer. It brings people together, every race, gender, creed and class as one. Greggs are there for us as always in our time of need yet you can offer empty promises when you're out of power as Greggs are the Lib Dems. A party for the people, of steak bakes, sausage rolls and the new 10/10 steak and cheese roll but much like the coalition government of old we did not vote for salad boxes and high end sandwiches. You claim to be for the people but you defied our morals when you spoke of bringing sushi into your stores and now you claim to be here for us? Thankfully I will but I'm not happy about it, because in a world of Prets, Yo Sushis and Wasabis you may be our only hope.
Nandos are champagne socialists. Nobody who charges £10 for chicken and chips and plays flute jazz cares about you. End of.
Derbyshire is Corbyn, she is always there reporting on the matters of the day but she is largely ignored by the entirety of the media. I mean, she's no Paxman is she and I bet you've had to Google her name just to jog your memory of who she is. Right? Much like Corbyn she is also incapable of leading us through this nation's dark times, but at least Corbyn would probably acknowledge me were I to shout "FOR FUCK'S SAKE HELP ME" directly in his face.
Morrisons. For me Morrisons has always been a part of my life, as a child it was only a short walk from my family home in Derbyshire and now in London it continues to sustain my boy in the big city lifestyle by always making those mini Chicago Town pizzas on offer for £1. My years of service to the big yellow M that isn't McDonalds (who would feature in this piece were there one closeby, sort it out McDonalds ruthless capitalism doesn't end with complete and total world domination) I gained no response from Morrisons in our nation's plightful times. Take That like to shop at Morrisons so therefore Morrisons are all Tories who claim to speak for the working man yet fail to answer any the questions which matter to us most. Plus it's a little bit more expensive than Asda.
The company who own Scampi Fries (Smiths') don't actually have a Twitter account so for this I just asked someone who decided to have Scampi Fries as their Twitter handle.
It seems that Scampi Fries aren't even aware of the issues we face in this country at all, probably the reason why we only find them in village boozer called 'The Dog and Bone'. They are essentially UKIP, seen as outdated and tasteless within UK cities yet are incredibly popular once you reach a place where a) mining was once a thing and b) Clacton. Scampi Fries, like UKIP, are mainly enjoyed by people over the age of 65 who have given up on holding on to any form of rationality in their lives. Given the choice to either smell smell strongly of scampi or not smell strongly of scampi is it rational to choose to smell strongly of scampi, the chicken nuggets of fish? No. Is it rational to be a massive racist who punches fellow MEPs or quit a job 18 days into it? No, but to some it's perfectly logical and that's where we are.
IAN H WATKINS FROM STEPS
There's no real reason for this except that I wanted to give H from Steps some hammer.
AND NOW FOR THE NEWS IN BRIEF
EVERYONE TURNS RACIST. MEANWHILE…
THINGS GET DARK DURING HURRICANE SEASON
Things are getting real dark over on Fox News h/t @Deathbymartymar pic.twitter.com/fgtaPTkq8h
— Colin Jones (@colinjones) October 6, 2016
SERIOUSLY CAN EVERYONE PLEASE STOP BEING RACIST AND LABOUR PULL YOUR FINGER OUT JEEZ.