This Week...England, Scotland And The World

Commentary

"We were coming out of a decade of experimentation, mind expansion and cosmic awareness. I wanted our music to convey messages of universal love and harmony without force-feeding listeners' spiritual content." – Maurice White, RIP

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?" – Ernest Hemingway

"I know I don't need to lose weight because I've lost it breastfeeding." – Helen Flanagan

What shit things happened this week? Mainly, these things.

WHO THE FUCKING HELL WILL SPEAK FOR ENGLAND?

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England's losing its voice. I mean, if it was possible for a gathering of dirt strategy located just above a collection of other pieces of dirt all squashed together to make one gigantic piece of dirt to have a voice then well, it's just not there anymore. Things we used to say collectively as a country like 'no please don't take the Falkland Islands please' that really gave our British egos a big old boost we've simply lost, just like that none of us can speak anymore. It's like things like migration and people moving to the UK and people who aren't originally from this country being in this country has silenced us as a nation and by default that's why I'm a horrible human being. It's everyone elses fault, but thankfully this week the Daily Mail finally raised its voice and proclaimed 'here, I'll speak for you', embarking on yet another crusade for British values like that time they supported the Nazis for us. In an age where political correctness has not only gone mad it's smearing its shit all over the walls while singing Madonna in a French accent it's reassuring to know at least someone is fighting our corner.

PEOPLE FROM GLASGOW HAVE MORE ANGER THAN WORLD COMBINED

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Scotland, we're glad that by default we can call you your own. It makes supporting Andy Murray a legit possibility for us while slowly eating away at Tim Henman's sanity in the process. We can adopt phrases like 'taps ahf' without really having an idea of what it fundamentally means. We can get drunk at weddings and ask you what's really under your kilt while spilling WKD on your sporrans. When you're successful we can adopt you as our own so that it feels like we've succeeded, because you'd do the same for us right? This week brought on of those cases where we can shout #bettertogether from the rooftops as Glasgow directed more hate to pro-rape advocate Roosh V than the entire world did combined. For an event that was set to take place in over 40 locations across the world give yourself a pat on the back Glasgow, and we'll do the same because we earned it…

300,000 PEOPLE JOIN 'WORST PEOPLE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD' CLUB.

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Ahh Chris Moyles, isn't he just the type of person who you want to see succeed in life? Yeah so fellow typical English bloke James Corden is gaining the hearts and undeveloped minds of America by paying 'tribute' to Bowie by inviting Chris Martin along for a sing song but Chris Moyles is just a bloody national treasure. He deserves nothing short of greatness or failing that they keys to my house. He's the type of guy who could shit in my hat and I'd want to buy him a pint so that's why it's great to know that he's brought an 300,000 extra listeners to Radio X, the on air encapsulation of throwing a pint glass filled with piss at a Kasabian gig or chinning someone in a branch of All Bar One. Yes a minimum of 300,000 people like Chris Moyles. More people like Chris Moyles than there are people living in Barbados, the country that brought us Rihanna, Grandmaster Flash and the illogical thought that a middle-class white man with high blood pressure would suit a hawaiian shirt. If Chris Moyles managed to gain another 4,400 listeners, and I sincerely hope that he does, he would have a fanbase equal to the entire population of Iceland, the nation of strongmen and Bjørk. Boy, what a fact that is and in my humble opinion it can't happen to a nicer man. Thank you Britain, thank you for being great.