This Week…Corbyn’s Bow, Fifa Rap Titles And Nazi Space Santas.
"What our children have to fear is not the cars on the highways of tomorrow but our own pleasure in calculating the most elegant parameters of their deaths." – J.G. Ballard
"We're all like detectives in life. There's something at the end of the trail that we're all looking for." – David Lynch
"Those who will not dance will have to be shot." – Sun Ra
Phew, what a bloody week this has been guys. I mean, this week is going to go down in history as 'The Week That Started On 09/11/2015'. I'm just glad I strapped myself in before this week took off. But what exactly DID happen this week? Well…
CORBYN DIDN'T BOW EXCEPT HE OBVIOUSLY DEFINITELY DID.
So the main story dominating the news this week has been whether Jeremy Corbyn did or did not bow at the Cenotaph, but before we take precious hours out of our relatively short lives to debate this let's go through a few facts. We know that David Cameron had his mark of respect photoshopped on to his jacket by one of the more creative members of his PR team.
We know that The Sun dedicated its front page to simultaneously inform its readers that Corbyn is a disgrace to this country AND that Abbie Clancy is still an attractive female, undoubtedly causing many angry and confused erections across the country. "That Corbyn makes me sick, he may as well have just punched a war veteran in the face but would you just look at the back end of Abbie Clancy. I'm physically shaking but I can't decide whether that's through pure rage or sheer testosterone fuelled lust for the wife of a professional footballer and ex-Strictly Come Dancing winner but either way I'm pretty aroused right now."
Thankfully this was pointed out to The Sun's managing editor on last night's Question Time by this great woman.
We know that a Tory MP tweeted during the two minutes silence to say hey guys, exercise is really good for us. I mean shit, like seriously everybody keeping healthy is like, SUPER good for our bodies. You know fat people? They are fat because they don't exercise but skinny people? Shit they exercise and look how amazing they look. Do you want to be like Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson? WELL YOU SHOULD EXERCISE like this guy told us all to do at exactly 11:00 on 11/11.
What we DO know however is that Corbyn definitely, unequivocally did bow and that instead of attending a VIP dinner after the ceremony at the Cenotaph he instead stayed behind to meet and take photos with war veterans. He even gained the support of a Tottenham supporter.
Anyway, WHAT THE FUCK ELSE HAPPENED THIS WEEK?
FIFA NAME FIVE CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENTIAL JOB. INADVERTADLY GIVE FIVE OF THE SEVEN DWARVES RAP NAMES.
A$AP Cristal Poppingz, Yung Peasant Stomper, FUTURE FABERGE EGGZ and Lil' Overdraft Limit Reached left off list.
NAZI SPACE PAEDOS ARE WATCHING YOU CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.
OH, AND THEY'RE STEALING YOUR OXYGEN BUT IT'S COOL BECAUSE ARNIE IS ON THE CASE.
OLD SCHOOL BBC RADIO DJ + CHILDREN = AN ASSUMPTION BY SKY NEWS.
Joins Cliff Richard and Dr Fox in joining the 'I Didn't Do It' craze.