This Week…Booze, Puddles And Dictators
"That's one for my tombstone. Here lies David Byrne, why the big suit?" – David Byrne
"Sunglasses are a bit like watches for me" – Ross Kemp
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" – Rod Stewart
Firstly I will start the first this week of 2016 with a happy new year to everyone who is reading this, everyone who isn't, everyone who can't read period and basically, just everyone. I really hope there's a cut off point to you being forced to wish everyone a happy new year, sort of like a transfer deadline day for unmeant niceties. The only thing it does is add an extra 3 seconds of unnecessary pleasantries to my conversations and that's an amount of time wasted that I can do without, an amount of time that I could spend tutting at people who spell definitely 'defiantly'. Anyway, it's 2016 so let's get on with this. What the fuck happened in the first week of 2016?
WE CAN'T BINGE DRINK ANYMORE
Oh, not off to a very good start are we? In news that will undoubtedly send shockwaves across the North East of England, into the hearts of suburban housewives in Suffolk who spend their days drinking wine in branches of All Bar One wishing for an experience outside the monotonous housewife life they married into, the Roy 'Chubby' Brown appreciation society and Premier League football in the 70s we can't binge drink anymore. The UK's chief medical officers have today announced that the recommended weekly intake of alcohol should not exceed 14 units per week for men and women, around 1 pint of beer a day to you and me. But what does that mean for the British way of life? Liver failure and ABH is basically an Olympic sport on this fine island of ours, it's our identity. It's the equivalent of telling every single French person that poetry is "a bit shit". It's the equivalent of telling Spain that tapas is for people who can't take responsibility for their own decisions. Would you tell American's that automatic weaponry, energy drinks that contain sulphite and Doritos taco supremes are bad for you? OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T, because even if common sense tries to prevail you just stuff those feelings into the smallest corner of the deepest, darkest part of your mind and just carry on. And plus, people who take these sort of photos for local papers, along with cameramen who film fat people from the waist down on the high street for obesity news reports, would be out of a job faster than you can say "you staring at my bird?"
Phew, for a second there I thought the British identity that Britain First speak so highly about was going to be lost but thankfully the rescue of a nation came in the form of a puddle in Newcastle. Historically the unification and saviour of this country has come in the most peculiar of ways. Zoe Slater shouting "you ain't my muvvah" in Eastenders, David Cameron proclaiming "you ain't no Muslim bruv" to the world and Emma B asking "you ain't gonna eat another baked potato, right?" to Brian Harvey are undeniable examples of this. As this story unfolded there was a collective silence over the UK as media outlets across the land scrambled their brains searching for the perfect pun, reaching peak creativity and comedic perfection in the process.
I mean seriously, this type of gold has only ever been bettered by David Brent's dance in The Office.
Anyway, now that you've probably laughed yourself into a coma while being unable to control the gallons and gallons of piss your body is ejecting from your body I'll keep it brief. They drained the puddle, everything went back to normal.
CHAIRMAN MAO ERECTED AS 34-METRE STATUE. SWIFTLY DESTROYED.
In this week's episode of 'The Simpsons kinda did it first' grade A bastard by all accounts Chairman Mao's legacy was this week posthumously enlarged 5000% and covered in gold. Mao, known for some of history's greatest dinner party knee slappers such as "to read too many books is harmful", "the communist party must control the guns" and "you can't be a revolutionary if you don't eat chillies", was commemorated by entrepreneurs and residents of Henan's Zhushigang village in the most lavish way possible. The statue of a sitting Chairman Mao, because he is a 'chair man' after all hehehe, only had a swift lifespan however as almost ironically it was hacked to pieces as it is claimed the statue had taken over a farmers land unlawfully. Chairman Mao was responsible for between 40 – 70 million deaths during his time in power, FYI.
NORTH KOREA TESTS NUCLEAR WEAPONS. WORLD COLLECTIVELY SIGHS "OH YOU".
And now we switch to news of another mental dictator in the form of Kim Jong Un of North Korea and mass murdering fame. This week, not wishing to let the Christmas and New Year festivities settle, North Korea claimed to have successfully tested a small hydrogen bomb in what can only only be described as a pissing contest with the west when one party has bladder stones, but with more death, destruction and chaos of course blah blah blah. Whether it was actually a hydrogen bomb that was tested we don't know, South Korea's spy service said the estimated explosive yield from the blast was much smaller than what even a failed hydrogen bomb detonation would produce, but what a prospect it is eh? Just when you wondered what peril we'd have in store for 2016 BOOM, North Korean nuclear tests baby.
And with that let's toast to another year and another 50 episodes of 'This Week' (I missed it last week). See you soon, unless I don't feel like it.