This Week… Wu Tang, Nativities And Lost Aeroplanes.
"Sleep is an eight-hour peep show of infantile erotica" – J.G. Ballard
"Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash" – L. Cohen
"I'm still not ready to have a baby" – Liz from Atomic Kitten
People are shit, that's just common knowledge. This week's…erm, this week is dedicated to that so in no particular order…
EVIL PREVAILS ONCE AGAIN
Everyone should just come to terms with the fact that the bad guys always win. The team in the black kit always win in low budget American films about little league soccer, Jeremy Corbyn gets put in headlocks by Tories in the Commons, Ghandi was a racist etc. etc. The quicker we all realise this the easier it will become to accept things like Martin Shkreli buying the only copy of Wu Tang's Once Upon A Time In Shaolin. It's reported that the human incarnation of a dog poo that you see smeared all over the pavement because someone has stood in it and has walked 50 metres trying to wipe it off their shoe bought the two million dollar record to 'rub shoulders with celebrities and rappers who would want to listen to the album', which is probably a good a reason as any really. I mean, if you're going to deny aids patients vital medicine you may as well do the same with a new Wu Tang album right? Let's just hope Wu Tang and Bill Murray get their acts together and pull that heist off eh?
As if all this bastardy wasn't enough Shkreli this week conducted a live broadcast of him choosing which artists he'd pay to make an album just for him, deciding to unveil the much sought after news in the same way that Kelly Rowland drafted a text to Nelly in the Dilemma video.
What's that quote from Peep Show? People like Coldplay and voting for the Nazis you can't trust people? Yeah.
SHIA LABEOUF SPOKE TO PEOPLE ON THE PHONE FROM LIVERPOOL
Except he didn't because nobody could get through to him. Believe me, I tried.
THE TRAFALGAR SQUARE NATIVITY SCENE IS EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH LONDON
Just look at it. The shephard looks like he's had too many after work drinks with his bros from that tech start up company he works for and is now squaring up to Craig from accounts in McDonalds at 11pm on a Thursday while Sarah the HR lady tries to tear them apart. And is that Joseph laid on the floor? All he needs is a wicker hat, three strawberry and lime Kopparbergs and a portable BBQ and he's become one of those insufferable knob heads that ruins every single weekend in summer. And is that Mary stood up in the pram section on the bus reading The Hunger Games on her fucking Kindle? No wonder nobody wanted you to stay with them you're the worst people in the world.
ISIS MAKE YET ANOTHER ENEMY IN WORLD'S MOST WANTED DRUG LORD EL CHAPO
Nobody likes ISIS, that's a given. But now the world's most notorious drug cartel leader, Mexico's El Chapo, REALLY doesn't like ISIS as they keep being a bloody nuisance to his drug operations by destroying his cargoes in the Middle East, the scamps. El Chapo, who recently broke out of a high security Mexican prison because that's just the kinda guy that he is, wrote an encrypted message to ISIS via a cartel linked Mexican blogger which was first picked up by Cartel Blog. In it he describes how his "men will destroy you [ISIS, duh]", calls them "sons of whores" and generally uses really scary language that you expect from the leader of a murdurous Mexican drug cartel. Sounds like an episode of Deadliest Warrior, no?
AIRCRAFT UP FOR GRABS
You know when you walk halfway up the stairs and forget what it was you had to walk upstairs for? Someone basically did that this week as an abandoned airplane has been found in Malaysia, most probably by a couple holding Sainsbury's carrier bags shouting "I'M SURE I LEFT IT AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE IT'S FINE, WE'LL JUST WAIT UNTIL EVERYBODY LEAVES".
And finally, what happened to…Pete from Big Brother?
I saw him at Glastonbury this year working for Greenpeace.