This Week… Very Wow. Such Presidential.
"I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak." – Woody Allen
Dr. Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
Elaine Dickinson: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.
Dr. Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.
– Airplane (1980)
"When it comes to great steaks, I've just raised the steaks!" – Donald Trump, in promotional video for 'Trump Steaks'
Seriously, what is this video. Throwing out bullshit statistics and rarely lowering his voice below a bellow.
"Trump Steaks are by far the best tasting most flavourful beef you've ever had. Truly in a league of their own."
Probably need some Trump Vodka (also a thing) to wash down the taste of sweat and spray tan.
"One bite and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. And believe me, I understand steaks – it's my favourite food."
I mean, seriously. It looks like a promotional video directed by Brian Butterfield.
Outside of Trump's own hotels and restaurants, the steaks were sold through the Sharper Image. Here's what Jerry Levin, CEO, had to say about the first two months of poor sales:
"We literally sold almost no steaks. If we sold $50,000 of steaks grand total, I’d be surprised."
Needless to say, the steaks were pulled from sale shortly afterwards. With reviews such as "Worst Burger EVER!" and "nothing but grease" (wait are you talking about the steak or Trump himself? LOL), it's not hard to see why they bombed so hard.
When Trump says things like "I will be so good at the military your head will spin", it's just another example of a rich and powerful man slapping his image on total and utter bollocks and hoping it sticks enough to convice some people.
Would you buy a steak from this man????????
Check out the sparkle on those cufflinks. Phwoar.
Anyway, all of this steak nonsense was basically a prelude to the news that The Donald dined with Nigel Farage in Washington this week. Well, to be clear, he dined with five other guests, and Farage. Apparently Nigel weaslled his way in at the last minute. Just look at that picture up top. He can barely manage to contain his excitement at getting to sit with the cool kids. Snakey little prick.
But the main thing we learnt from this dinner was that Donald Trump (of Trump Steaks) eats his steak well done. With ketchup. WELL DONE WITH KETCHUP. Like a child! Maybe he surreptitiously has one of his aides cut it up into bite sized pieces for him when no one is looking. "Here comes the airplane Donald! Neeeeeaaaaaawwwww…."
What else happened this week? We haven't even mentioned the absolute horror show that was the Oscars yet, the massively prestigious occasion that celebrates rich people getting richer by pretending to be someone else. The big news from this year's edition was La La Land being announced as 'Best Picture' when it should've actually been Moonlight. Needless to say the two dastardly accountants involved in this most monumental of mix ups have been summarily banned from all further engagement with the Oscars. That'll teach 'em.
Aside from this earth-shattering news though, surely the best thing to come from the entire ceremony was this clip of Nicole Kidman making a vague attempt at applause:
What is she doing?? It looks as if she's a 10 year old that's just discovered that trick where you push against the inside of your thighs for ages until it feels as if there's a ball between your hands. Either that or she's channeling her inner seal.
IN OTHER NEWS…
'TIL NEXT WEEK FOLKS!