This Week… The Tories Still Give Zero Fox
“The English country gentleman galloping after the fox – the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable" – Oscar Wilde
"Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game" – Paul Rodriguez
"Ha ha ha! Boom boom!" – Basil Brush
Which way do you think Basil Brush will be voting in the upcoming election? On one hand, he's definitely voting Tory isn't he. Just look at those inbred aristo features and that absurd Antiques Roadshow jacket. But then on the other hand, he is a fox. So, you know.
In their latest transparent gesture of crass complacency, the Conservative Party have decided to show one of their cards before the hand is over. Of fucking course Teresa May is in favour of fox hunting. Even though it must seem like a 'boy job' to her. But her seemingly unassailable position in the polls means she feels emboldened to pander to the faithful and risk playing into all the worst Tory stereotypes. Then again, maybe she'd rather be the one trying to make up ground rather than holding onto a lead. After all, for the hunter, it's all about the thrill of the chase.
I thought she'd at least wait until after the election result to evolve into her final form, but it seems as though our lizard overlords just can't help themselves. Will their impatience be their downfall? Probably not unless their scales actually start ripping through their human skin. And even then some people would probably still rather vote for the lizards because, "Well I don't agree with their manifesto promise to enslave the entire human race, but Jeremy Corbyn just doesn't seem like my kind of guy."
So in other words, we get a free vote on fox hunting but not on the terms of any Brexit deal. Whoop de fucking doo. Get out there and vote next month because we need to reduce these cunts' majority by as much as we possibly can.
IN OTHER NEWS
White House Press Secretary / Donald Trump's human shield / infinite gaffe machine Sean Spicer actually hid in some bushes the other night in order to avoid speaking to the press. But following a conversation with his team, the Washington Post later updated their story with an editor's note to clarify that Spicer was not "hidden in the bushes", but rather "hidden in the darkness and among the bushes". Oh, among the bushes. Of course, that's much more dignified.
Our beloved R$N
dictator editor is pushing through a move to ban all jazz in the office – later amended to just "shit nu-jazz". For the record, this writer is thoroughly in favour of such a decision, but the office is bitterly divided. The vote will be held later this afternoon, and I'm gonna try and tack on an addendum to bring back 'Grime Thursdays'. I'd even have Ally's fucking panpipe music over this. Anything but more jazz. I can't take it. Please make it stop.
"Even after having won two leadership elections, The ‘Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable’ jibe continues to dominate public and media discourse. Through countless articles, videos and reports, the idea has been etched into our minds that the Labour leader has little chance of victory in the upcoming general election simply because he does not fulfil the criteria required to be elected. Often little to no rational justifications are provided, only a circular string of substanceless illogical reasonings: he is unelectable because he does not have a reasonable chance of being elected. He cannot be elected, and thus should not be the leader of his party, because he is unelectable. Few of his critics ever discuss in depth the true meaning of ‘electable’ and apply them to Corbyn in an honest manner."