This Week… The Beast From The East.
"Cement doesn't give as much as snow." – Shaun White
"I lived in a hut with no roof, and I rode to school on a donkey. I used to shoot birds with a slingshot to cook for dinner. Now I prefer to get my food from KFC." – Wyclef Jean
"I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters." – Albert Brooks
This week, a nation adamant that it’s capable of going it alone is totally immobilised by two inches of snow courtesy of the beast from the east, a plethora of embarrassing uncles truly outdo themselves on social media, and KFC goes one better by proudly announcing that it's running out of gravy after last week's chicken shortage, affectionately dubbed #chickengate.
The beast from the east, known to her family as Emma, causes major disruption to public transport, much to the embarrassment of anyone self-conscious enough to be embarrassed, and much to the amusement of the Trans-Siberian Express.
In the midst of the chaos, Mangal 2, Stoke Newington's most vocal Turkish restaurant, contemplate London's inner-city dysfunction and manage to articulate something that it seems we might all finally be able to agree on.
— Mangal 2 Restaurant (@Mangal2) February 27, 2018
However, the weather doesn't seem to have affected Lord Sugar, who maintains regular programming.
— Lord Sugar (@Lord_Sugar) February 28, 2018
In other news, the Kentucky Fried Chicken itself spreads its wings and decides to focus on a condiment project for a while.
Perhaps we could wash down our plain fries with a complimentary cocktail as part of this exciting new initiative:
Across the frozen pond, CEO of the United States and blatant, doubtless KFC fan Donald Trump stunned lawmakers on both sides of the (chicken)gate (I'll hit if you if you even try to tell that wasn't a seamless item-to-item segue) by announcing his desire to expand background checks for gun buyers and raise the legal age to buy rifles from 18 to 21.
The NRA, ever in favour of the greater good, said that Mr Trump's remarks "made for great TV", but "would make for bad policy" if implemented.
So, things are looking up! Oh no, wait… Fuck.
In other food related news, a Human of Late Capitalism fails to understand that Chicken is evidently the worst flavour of hooded sweater and matching bottoms.
Dora appears to have finished exploring the world and to have started exploring her options concerning the obliteration of the decadent west. God knows what happened to the monkey she used to ride with. I can only imagine. 🙁
A little closer to home, someone's embarrassing uncles are trapped in an echo chamber. If found, please return to the nearest needless appropriation of a brass ensemble. Taste not necessary.
An embarrassing one, this is.
If you're concerned that your cold weather outfits don't quite match up to your hot weather ones, then look nowhere other than below for a cordial Ransom Runway Recommendation ™.
Thankfully, a number of local institutions did what they could in the face of the beast from the east, and continued to embrace the spirit of community and solidarity that contemporary western society made popular.
On a #realnote, it's terribly cold out. If you come across someone unfortunate enough to be sleeping rough, contact StreetLink on 0300 500 0914, or via their website or free app. Make sure to include the following:
1) A specific location for the rough sleeping site. You can do this by using a map to pinpoint the exact location and then providing a written description of the location.
2) Details of the time that the rough sleeper has been seen at the location.
3) Any information about the rough sleeper that will help find them (gender, approximate age, what the person looks like, what they are wearing).
Or give your local council a ring and do the same. Just be your best self, OK? OK.
Last but not least, don't be a dick this weekend.