This Week... Presidential Friends, Poor Healthcare And More

Commentary

"It's not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven't got language, you can't be conscious." – Alan Moore

"I don’t tell lies against anybody. That’s why I always win all my wars.” – Fela Kuti

"I was wondering, is a taco a sandwich?" – Michael Jordan

REASONS WHY THE WORLD IS SLIGHTLY WORSE.

CAMERON & OBAMA BFF'S

After earlier critisising David Cameron's handling of the 2011 Libyan intervention the White House this week confirmed that our 'special relationship' with the US is just as special as ever. Naming themselves as 'close partners' of Mr Cameron, deciding not to mention the fact that at some point they definitely spoke to the US president about our Prime Ministers relationship with a dead pig head, I can't help but feel this is like when you're Mum made you invite the boy from your school who burned ants and always had snot running down their nose to your birthday party. A sort of 'go on, play nice you two' but with more access to nuclear weapons and stuff. Still, this endorsement has come at a good time for Cameron as he saw yet another Commons defeat this week over Sunday trading laws, and who wouldn't want Obama on their side? Yes although presumably Boris Johnson has a lifesize doll of David Cameron which he verbally and physically abuses day in day out to unleash what bumbling rage he's built up throughout the day at his superior that's just water off a ducks back for Cameron now. Obama knows Beyonce and Jay Z while Johnson has only just bought his first pair of non-velcro shoes.

ISLAM HATES US

Delivering yet another well received truth bomb that we're all thinking but that nobody DARE mention Donald Trump enlightened us yet again this week stating simply that 'Islam hates us'. Yes a demographic of over 1.5 billion collectively hates 'us', us being…well, I'm not sure what 'us' is but I'm pretty sure that I fall into that rival demographic so therefore I'm angry and demanding that something needs to be done about it. But if Islam hates us who else hates us? Now lefties may call this an engrained feeling of paranoia driven in to us from people like Trump set on turning our misunderstandings of other cultures into deep set hatred for political gains veiled under the guise of patriotism but which is more easily described as fascism BUT the people who actually shower know it's true; everyone hates me. The media hates me. Those people who buy kitchen appliances on late night shopping stations hates me. Bears hate me. Even I hate me, and while I could blame that on a head of hair that looks like the plug hole from a male bath house, tiny hands and a morally bankrupt persona I'd prefer just to blame it on other factors and well, we have to start somewhere don't we Trump?

THE NHS IS NO MORE

Officially, the NHS does not exist any more and all I can say is ABOUT BLOODY TIME. This week the World Health Organisation discovered that due to the Health & Social Care Act 2012 dissolving the government's duty to provide free healthcare the government now (technically) has no legal obligation to provide anything other than emergency medical care free at the point of service. While this may be a step in the right direction there's still a long way to go. I want to see an NHS where every patient has to complete a Crystal Maze-style task to obtain their prescription. Bring back the Roman coliseum to cut NHS waiting times, I'll happily battle a 56 year old with respiratory problems armed only with a net and spear if it means I'll get to see a Doctor quicker. Let's start a jousting tournament for blood testing, the list goes on. C'mon Tories, you can't be done just yet?