This Week… Let’s Get Elected 2


"No I'm not going to give you one." 

"I love almost everything about Bollywood…" 

"The decision has taken far too long to reach." 

"I'm not going to stand as a candidate for mayor of London" Z Goldsmith

Here we are, the day after an election. Labour lost in Scotland, UKIP gained in Wales, people couldn’t vote in Barnet and many used the hashtag #dogsatpollingstations to demonstrate what it means to live in a true democracy. The big question at least for Londoners (but as everyone knows London controls everything so shove it rest of the UK) is who’s going to replace Boris Johnson as the loveable buffoon of London, the doughy Mayor of this fine city who is as comfortable rugby tackling 10-year olds

as he is  threatening journalists

Realistically we had two choices (sorry George Galloway but nobody asked for you), Sadiq Khan and Zac Goldsmith. So I’m told one is a lefty radical who has doctorates in ISIS Hugging, Kitten Stamping & Baby Eating, the other a gleaming bastion of hope chosen by god to lead our fine city to the pinnacles of achievement, much like the fine city of Rome once did but with more cocaine.  London is the jewel in the crown of Europe and who are we going to let lead it? A man who, so I’m told, is personally responsible for every single bad thing in the world which includes but is not limited to drug addiction, arson, the fall of the Byzantine empire, pregnant spiders and that time I once stood on a slug in bare feet. OR do we give it to a man who describes Bollywood in the same way someone who has never heard Radiohead would describe their love of Radiohead


Sadiq before the election said that he vows to save ‘London’s iconic club scene’ but who cares right? Clubs are loud, they’re expensive, the lights are either too bright or not bright enough and there are drugs everywhere. The floors are sticky or slippy, they’re sweaty, I once lost a jumper in one and when I move to a new house that is directly above one I can’t get a wink of sleep. 

While I appreciate that as I write this the results may have already been released so if that is the case then all I can say is London, I hope you made the right choice. 

In other news this week a football team that nobody expected to win the football league won the football league. A group of men from Leicester did the unthinkable and scored more points than other groups of men across the country, something that they tried to do over a specific period of time and successfully achieved. As they managed to score more points than the other groups of men they competed against they now win a cup, a shiny cup that’s really big and will probably be used as a champagne glass once the celebrations are underway. What makes this win for the Leicester men extra special is that everybody thought they weren’t very good and nobody expected them to win the shiny cup BUT they are very good and they did win the shiny cup and that is surprising because usually the shiny cup goes to people whose legs are worth a lot of money. Now that the Leicester men, nicknamed ‘The Foxes’ for a reason that I cannot be bothered to Google, have won the shiny cup will be paraded aloft a double decker bus which will be driven through their city as supporters line the streets, get drunk and throw up on each other on the streets below.

And finally, Ted Cruz we hardly knew ye. Goodbye, sweet prince. 

Right, off to hang with Jezza… 

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