This Week… Football Remains On Holiday, Trump Hysteria And Dancing In The Moonlight
"The sort of face David Cameron might stick his dick in for a bet" – J. Hazeley
"A soulless rich white male who claims to represent ordinary, hard-working people — in much the same way I could be said to represent the Brazilian grimecore community or the nineteen-headed creatures on the planet Blitheroid or the international carpet-eating association"" – J. Hazeley
"The American Boris Johnson, but much like their milkshakes, the American version is much, much thicker – and even worse for you." – J. Hazeley
This Week… I've realised something, a few things in fact. So before I get knee deep in the news — which I'll reveal now is heavy on the Trump — I'll tell you what I've realised.
I get it almost every night when that moon is big and bright, in fact it's a supernatural delight. Do you dance in the moonlight? Everybody here is out of sight, they don't bark and they don't bite, they keep things loose, they keep it tight, they too dance in the moonlight. I've even started keeping a daily journal of the week so far.
Sunday, 08 July: Woke up. Made it to work. Worked. Left work and then started dancing in the moonlight – everybody's feeling warm and bright, it's such a fine and natural sight, everybody's dancing in the moonlight. Really tired. Sausage roll, a bottles of lipton's ice tea, and bed.
Monday, 09 July: Woke up. Made it to work. Worked. The realised that here in the office we like our fun and we never fight, you can't dance and stay uptight, it's a supernatural delight, everybody was dancing until(in) the moonlight. Roll on tomorrow!
Tuesday, 10 July: Similar to yesterday, everybody was dancing in the moonlight, everybody's feeling warm and bright, it's such a fine and natural sight, everybody's dancing in the moonlight. Kebab on way home, dropped my chips. About to catch up with Love Island. Joke. Bed.
Wednesday, 11 July: Made it to work. Worked. My partner thinks I ways stay out all night every night but it's just not true. I get in almost every night, and when that moon is big and bright, it's a supernatural delight, so why not just dance with everybody in the moonlight. Shattered though tbf. Not hungy. I'm full on the vibes.
Thursday, 12 July: Made it to work and low and behold, everybody was talking about how they danced in the moonlight. Everybody's feeling warm and bright, it's such a fine and natural sight, so we all decided to go an dance in the moonlight one more time later that day.
If you want to join us and dance in the moonlight later on then meet us at the minibus pick-up point at 630pm, outside Liverpool Street stations. We can't reveal the moonlight dancing location but you will be brought back for 7am tomorrow. DON'T BE LATE.
Nah, we're only joshing about the moonlight dancing. What do you take us for you stupid mugs! Hahahahahahahahah.
We're at this instead. The Trump Protest in Capital City, UK.
Back to our regular transmission.
ENGLAND WERE KNOCKED OUT OF THE GLOBAL BATTLEBALL GAMES, AGAINST CURRENT FINALISTS, THE CROATIA. It was very big news in the UK, especially in England as 99.1% of the country, including all of the wives and civil partners thought that battleball was coming home after 52 years in exile because we've been total crud at the sport we invented and OWN.
But in all honesty, they did bloody amazing getting this far. And thank FUCK we don't have to listen to 'It's Coming Home' anymore, eh!
The Telegraph report that police were called to a man pooing whilst walking down the street.
This is one of the best features I've thought of so far. It's called, 'STORIES FROM ALL THE NEWS', where I pick a story from the all the different outlets without a care in the world.
The Guardian – 'We are not heroes', says UK diver involved in Thai cave rescue. Yes, you are. Fucking incredible!
The Independent – This is a very childish crop circle.
Also this from the Indy – What will happen when the queen dies? The operation is known as London Bridge is down. And it's ket-faced Camilla that becomes Queen Camilla.
The Daily Fail – "No wonder he was battered by rail passengers" (chortle! chortle! chortle!); Rail boss who took two seats for himself after ordering commuters out of first class on packed train was running a CHIPPY just FIVE years ago. Look at him…sitting there all corporate and that.
Amidst the serious nature of everything around the Trump; his life, his UK visit, his politics, and his belief that we as a country actually like him, praise the LORD that Dr. Billy Wayne Ruddick Jr was on hand to both wipe a smile from Republican mentalist, Sarah Palin's face, whilst simultaneously inducing a giggle for the rest of us.
"If he kissed a baby, it'd probably be just a first step in a long game of going to be with it in 18 years"
Right, let's go! See you down the front, far left of centre.