This Week… Chickengate, Stormzy 4 President And Give Everyone A Gun
"Please do not contact us about the #KFCCrisis – it is not a police matter if your favourite eatery is not serving the menu that you desire." – Tower Hamlets Police
"I want to party in space because I make alien music." – David Guetta
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" – George Bush
This Week… dora the explorer joins the Islamic State, Stormzy tunes in Theresa May, Trump was given a bag of hopes and prayers… and comes to the conclusion that the solution to school shootings is to arm teachers. Also, KFC have temporarily close because their chicken supply has be cut, and Idris Elba is set to play Jeremy Corbyn in a new spy thriller series. And a man got his penis stuck in a barbell weight.
Gym Instructor: Do you lift, bro?
Me: Yeah but not with my penis.
Oh my DAYZ! Stormzy told the Daily Mail to suck his D**K and told Theresa May that she should do some JAIL TIME, pay damages, and that we should burn her house down in reference to the Grenfell disaster. Did you know that MPs sniff cocaine? Well, he seems to know something we don't. Stormz must have an source in Westminster otherwise how would he know that? It's quite a lot to take in right now.
In the aftermath of the mass school shooting in Florida, Trump’s solution is to arm teachers with guns. Progressive AND logical, don't you agree? I’d take it a step further and arm everyone; traffic wardens, delivery and uber drivers, market stall owners, ice skaters, those who work in fashion, djs and plumbers. Arm everyone = EVERYONE’S SAFE.
Better still, just stick one of these robodogs in every classroom. The kids won’t drop a pencil let alone pick up a firearm.
Weather is still happening, especially here in Brexitain. It’s cold for 7 months of the year. Always has been and always will be. It’s reported to be -8* next week. Who actually knows? Who cares? The Winter Olympics is still going on. I bet it’s cold there. Weather chat is so fucking boring.
Have you heard about the Algerian sheep fighting? Well now you have.
Sad, isn’t it. Give them something else to do, I say. Maybe arm them with assault rifles. I remember my grandad once telling me, "you can lead a mob of sheep to a fight but give them a football and they will head that football forever."
It's DHL's fault apparently, who are KFCs new chicken delivery partner. The DHL Director of Operations, Ronald McDonald, said, "WEEEEEEEEEEE HAHAHAHAHAAAHAHHAHAHA, FUCK THE COLONAL, FUCK THE COLONAL!"
One lady was so annoyed of the shortage that when on camera to news reporters couldn't contain her disdain quoting what is possibly one of the saddest and most boring complaints in human history.
“Will I get a free rice box, then, for coming down? I’ve had to go to Burger King.”
But in a twist of fate, she's now in talks with Channel 5 for her own TV show where she goes to restaurants and high street retailers and complains about the items they don't have on the menu or in stock and requests a free low-mid value item from elswhere on the menu/store. Coming in spring.
Here’s a bit of culture to break things up a bit.
Neanderthals were artists. Look.
Last week I brought you the exclusive news you couldn’t find anywhere else of Quincy Jones talking shit about everyone. Well, his daughters have intervened, and the following apology on Facebook is below. It's not actually that interesting.
Need a wardbrobe? There's some great deals on this week.
Send your dick or mick pics to our address 10 Downing St, Westminster, London SW1A 2AA.
And remember kids. Don't be a dick this weekend!