Herbal George – January’s present horoscopes

What it do what it do to all my Disco Dalmatians out there. It your boy Herbal George, back with another piece of the FUTURE, and this time with added FUTURE, as now Im writing in 2014, which is actually the PRESENT, but from the last time I wrote it was the fucking FUTURE! GODAMMIT IM TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE PEOPLE, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE BELL BOTTOMS JEANS.

I remember when yall fell over and cut yo knee. Yall did it tomorrow. Tomorrow! Ha! Yall never seen it coming! So far away! But seriously fucking watch yo knees kid.

This month yall tried a dry January. No Fried Chicken for a WHOLE MONTH. But I seen in the stars that you wont resist the sweet breaded salty goodness. Youll MAKE IT RAIN. But with NUGGETS. Shit is delicious.

This month, yall will try and learn French cuz you saw Natalie Portman on that Chanel advert. Aww yeah. Yall wanted to jmappelle her je suis all night long. Yall wanted to fromaig frais all over that enchant. With a pamplemousse.

COCO POPS ARE NOT A GOOD WAY TO START THE DAY. But maybe this month they will be?

Yall greatly concerned about the recent influx of immigrants from Bulgaria and Romania. But dont worry daddi-o! Yo kids havent changed colour, and yo wife still reads Danielle Steel and only likes missionary! The only difference will be that the languages you didnt understand on the bus now sound a bit different from the languages you didnt understand before!

Yall been thinkin about Richard Branson a lot lately. With his never say die attitude, and cavalier use o facial hair. He nice. Real nice. Maybe next time yall see him out getting a loaf of Warburtons you should ask him on a date. I bet hed like that.

You been biking a lot this month, doin yo bit for the environment AND keeping fit. Usin non GM foods. Drinkin tea an eatin quinoa. Whatever. Nobody care bout that shit.

Your lucky type of stationery is the shatter resistant ruler. It will measure all types of groovy shit for you this month.

I predict in the distant future we will all be floatin in space, wachin Danny Dyers great grandson (who is now President of the Galaxy) doin his christmas speech whilst fuckin his wife on purple velvet and bein filmed for his new reality TV show. I for one cant wait.

Capricorn:

This month you will rip yo trousers in an awkward position socially, and throw up in a lift. Maybe it will happen at the same time, if the stars align.

You will meet a man with a head shaped like a coconut. He will angrily reject you at first, but persevere an he will reward you with untold riches. Naw, not really. But you will drink some bomb-ass tropical juice this month.

This month you will make a new friend, called Bouncy Pete. He lives in High Wycombe, and you will write him ery day. He likes long walks around his local Tesco Metro, and cooks a mean tuna nicoise. The future is bright for you and Bouncy Pete.