Herbal George: Disco Psychic’s April Horoscope

Salutations, boogie wonderfans. It’s your old friend Herbal, strictly come dancing with the stars, except with less Bruce Forsyth and more JUICE, FOR LIFE. The future is here to awkwardly stand next to you as an insidious reminder of your mortality, except with less Tess Daly, and more FRESH, BABY.

Aries:

This month you better be taking care of your disco sausage in the kitchen. Jupiter is tellin’ me some bad shit about accidents with knives whilst cookin’ up a nutritious stew. Be careful, or your pork might get chopped yo:

Taurus:

I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE, YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN’T DENY, THAT WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY BITTY WAIST AND A BIG ROUND THING IN YO FACE YOU GET out of her way and respect her personal space, because women deserve to have a good night out without being objectified.

Gemini:

This month you will encounter many problems with the word ‘specifically’. You will try and say it out loud and splutter over the numerous ‘SC’ sounds wedged so close together, with hilarious results!

Cancer:

This month y’all may find yo’self wondering about the nature of ‘lol’. Where did it come from? Y’all vaguely remember the first time you read it, but dismissed it as childish. But slowly as time went by you began saying it ironically. “Haha, *LOL*!” you cried, stressing the intonation on the ‘lol’, so everyone knew you weren’t being serious. But Herbal knew. Now you say it so much you don’t even know if it’s ironic anymore. What happened? How did it get like this? What is ‘lol’? Who are you? When will ‘lol’ end?

Leo:

This month you have been taking cigarette breaks at work, even though you don’t smoke. Stickin’ it to the man. And if you do smoke, you are now taking breaks where you just go and play ping pong and don’t even get that sweet nicotine hit.

Virgo:

They say a stopped clock is right twice a day. But they also say that you shouldn’t eat too many burritos for fear of alienating your closest disco chums with your disco methane. Who is right? You may find the answer rests in this month’s lucky shoe: the humble sandal.

Libra:

Gary Lineker has been invading your dreams recently. Givin’ you a craving for salty snacks. But his playful demeanor hides a murky past. Be careful not to commit to his middle-of-the-road charm, and bland yet disarming mannerisms. Yo’ lucky flavour of crisp is Prawn Cocktail.

Scorpio:

When you look back at your life, as you stare wistfully out of a rain soaked window with a glass of cabernet sauvignon, you will realise you didn’t watch enough TV box sets. The Wire, Homeland, The Sopranaos. Shit, y’all missed out. Think of all the hours of meandering plots you haven’t. Don’t panic, you can still make a change for the good. Stay indoors, today!

Sagittarius:

Oral sex is not an apology. Although a great conversation starter! Who knew?

Capricorn:

The stars have aligned this month to make it yoo luckiest month. You will find a pound in yo’ shoe. Y’all gunna find a half empty wrap of wet coke in your trousers. Y’all won’t even see that advert with the fucking robot selling car insurance all month. But don’t even think of playin’ the lottery. You will get crushed by the lottery stand, y’dig?

Aquarius:

This month is all about the finest. The finest Mink coat, and the finest pundit on Sky Sports news: Tony Cottee or John Solako? Go with with both, you deserve it. Its about the finest silk sheets, and the finest Greggs pasty: Cheese & Onion or Beef? Both, because you’re feeling the finest.

Pisces:

Don’t let the bastards get you down. If y’all wanna play scrabble in the nude then do yo’ thang. Herbal will join y’all in a hot minute, in the great scrabble hall in the sky.