Herbal George -Disco Psychic: DeCEMBERHoroscope

Commentary

What’s happnin’ what’s happnin’ my little dirt digglers? It’s Herby G back with another blast of astrology based TRUTH, and SEXY ASS TRUTH at that. I know y’all probably settling down next to a roastin fire with some smooth egg nog and hog cooked 5 ways whilst yo’ baby mama strokes yo’ face and whispers seductively into yo’ ear *seasons greetings…motherfucker*, but don’t mean y’all can ignore the FUTURE, y’dig?

Aries:

Recently y’all lookin up at the sky, an y’all feelin all sad, like you is in a moment of quiet and sombre assed reflection. Y’all been cryin at night with the feelings you have inside cus y’all got an unanswered question. It’s plaguing you. I know it. You can’t sleep cus all you thinkin is one single thing. And that is: “What the fuck is up with Luther Vandross lately? When’s that next album gunna drop godammit?”

Well Luther DEAD. I saw his face in a piece of toast and the next day he was gone. So stop crying baby. Herbals got you now:

Taurus:

This month y’all been takin too much LSD. So much in fact, that y’all confusin the cockroaches in yo pad with tiny versions of Mariah Carey, and you keep on jumpin on em expectin to hear her trademark angelic vocal range. Herbal says, keep on jumpin baby:

Gemini:

This month you thinkin of holdin a house meetin cus certain members are keepin you up late playin the banjo and tambourine an such. Don’t do it daddio. This ain’t a democracy. This is an INTERGALACTIC ASTRO DANCEFLOOR. And the only way to beat them is to sneak subliminal messages into the tunes you pumpin’. Try this one for size:

Cancer:

You might have read in Mystic Meg that you’ll meet a tall dark stranger. That’s right, uh huh. He gunna beat yo ass.

Leo:

Lately it sounds like everybody talkin a whole lotta jive. Like, furreal, real jivey like they in Japanese or some funky ass shit. Don’t let it get you down. Embrace yo radioactive cousins. Godzilla is one of the realest cats in the game. He laid down his own Japanese disco especially for yo boy Herbal:

Virgo:

This month y’all felt the need to combine words together to make new ones. Like you you heard a women on the bus say “child gurgle” and instantly blurted “CHURGLE”. Then another time you overheard yo mama sayin “that is some wacky candy” and you screamed “WANDY” in her face, with no remorse. I think yo friends might disown yo ass pretty quick over that. Yo lucky item of clothin is beige slacks.

Libra:

This month yo life all about the soup. You think y’all been a real smart cat, makin vegetable soups in advance every week, keepin healthy while them punk ass bitches be frontin at Pret a Manger or Maccy D’s. Then suddenly BLAM! You get hit by a motherfuckin BUS! What? Huh? How you like yo soup now???:

Scorpio:

It’s time you stop checkin up on how yo favourite wrestler is doin. Stop pretendin you watchin it ironically man. You ain’t foolin nobody. Yo lucky animal is the Tibetan Mastiff.

Sagittarius:

For yo birthday thang I recommend doin somethin out the ordinary. Why not compile a list of all the thangs you most proud of in yo life? Yo crownin achievements an shit. Then TEAR that shit UP with yo sweaty ass once yo get BOOGIEDINKED by Herbals SPECIAL BIRTHDAY BASSLINE:

Capricorn:

This month you should embrace yo fear or goin to the toilet at work. Sometimes you go in an y’all catch an awkward glance at yo manager who be in there intently focusing on his pee, but don’t let the MAN bring you DOWN. It’s yo RIGHT as a human being to be able to pee without fear! Stick it to the man brothers and sisters!

Aquarius:

This month you wonderin “Is it just me or does Kanye West actually secretly know what’s going on?” You been concerned lately that in his videos he seem to be staring through the TV straight into yo eyes, like he know somethin…then once you swore he winked…Kanye’s watchin you: