Election Hustle


I must start by noting Zinedine Zidane?s unprecedented interest in UK politics [1]. Let?s not procrastinate; the 2010 General Election boils down to a single issue. Money. I think we can attribute 13 years of Labour to that very subject. Consider immigration. Light touch regulation saw economic growth outstrip domestic demand for jobs, hence opening the doors to eager migrants. The Iraq invasion. Was Suspected weapons of mass destruction code for one of the worlds? richest oil wells? In 1997 it was inflation; now it?s budget deficits from the national purse to Whitehall?s receipts. Today we?re faced with a simple choice: who?s going to prevent us from becoming the next Greece lightening?

At least we?re not under pressure from money markets as volatile as BP?s oil exploration. Each opinion poll will indicate unique data sets, yet I haven?t seen one that doesn?t point to a political hangman [2]. Yet a Hung Parliament, where the majority leaders require support from smaller parties for trivial stuff like passing laws, seems the most likely to put our highway rescue credit rating in jeopardy.

This election sees the Liberal Democrats coming of age with Nick Clegg?s vision for A fairer Britain taking the helm. Hang on, does anyone know any party members past Clegg and the Cable guy? It would explain why nobody?s objecting to their economic policy. I?m far from affluent but I don?t see how a rise in tax free earnings motivates people to work towards higher wages, nor do I comprehend how wealth creation will be encouraged by a ?mansion tax?. An earned route to citizenship? A policy designed to make any immigration figures appear a preposterous and terrifying joke.

David Cameron?s greatest talent lies in criticising Gordon Brown to the point he almost forgets to slip ?change? into every sentence. The high-flying PR man who talks tough on cutting budgets without a specific deficit reduction target. More get married than get real on a sustainable banking system. To stop banks engaging in large-scale trading using their own money could be rewritten allow banks to use borrowed money for large-scale trading. Er, hello! Dave appears to have missed the, what was it, global recession. I?m having delusions of Boris galloping in on horseback, promptly falling off and blaming the state school system for not encouraging fox hunting. It boils down to this: Mr. Cameron I don?t believe you [3].

We now have Gordon Brown. Here?s a man who could fuck up a cup of coffee. I?m sure people have started blaming him the Great Depression of the ?30s. His apparent contempt for his own voters may explain his defiance of public opposition to ID cards. Yet a man who?s more Alan Partridge than Alan Johnson certainly doesn?t hold back when it counts. Brown certainly unveiled his iron fist when sparring with Paxman, not least a little banter [4], which highlighted self-confidence in his political experience. He?s also got Peter Mandleson to vouch for his faux pas.

Toady your vote boils down to a simple analogy where we?re going to amalgamate Clegg & Cameron, much like their post-election plans. You?re about to undergo heart surgery and you must choose between the enthusiastic young buck who avoids answering questions or the hardened veteran who asks which scalpel to use for the first incision.

By Jules Hallam