Dear Marj #7
Marj went off the radar again last week… rumour has it she was seen eating pizza in Rome! She left poor Genni Lopes hanging on… but has finally got round to dishing out some pearls of wisdom to this poor soul…
I am sorry to bother you with this frankly quite grotesque woe but I feel I have nowhere else to turn. If you are unable to help me my last hope will be some horrendous ‘women’s chat show’ on daytime TV hosted by Vanessa Feltz.
This morning my so-called ‘boyfriend’ sent me an article entitled Thighs the limit: how to cure ‘chub rub’ from a well known online publication. You are probably asking yourself at this very moment, ‘What on EARTH is chub rub?!’ with a light-hearted giggle as I did this very morn. I warn you Marj, the reality is a lot more sinister than first anticipated. Let me enlighten you. You see, ‘chub rub’ as it is so jovially nicknamed in this article (which, might I add, is no doubt written by some smug waif of a journalist who’s only encounter with any kind of chub is when she has her locks changed) is in fact a term to describe the uncomfortable chaffing experienced by – may I be so bold as to insert some ‘gangster rap’ terminology here- the ‘thicker thighed’ female. I.E me Marj. ME. You see what my bald headed scrotum of a boyfriend is doing here is in fact saying, ‘You have fat thighs. Buy this RIDICULOUS garter in a bid to prevent your monstrous thighs of thunder from rubbing together causing that unsightly rash that makes you look like an overgrown toddler with nappy rash’. Make no mistake Marj, my man has never disguised his love for my voluptuous pins and ‘back off’ (thats bottom to you and I Marj) but recent events in our courtship have led me to believe he may also have a thing for ‘skinny ass bitches’.
What shall I DO Marj? Should I buy this absurd contraption in a bid to please my beau? Or should I take this as my cue to buy the Josie Gibson (of Big Brother 2010 fame) 30 Second Slim DVD?
Eagerly awaiting your response.
Genni Lopes x
Dear Genni Lopes,
Now firstly, let’s not get too rash. There’s no need to flare up. Don’t let yourself get rubbed up the wrong way. Your boyfriend’s advice my chafe at first, but I’m sure his intention wasn’t to cause irritation. Don’t let the situation get inflamed, because no one wins when *INSERT GENERIC SKIN RASH PUN HERE*.
Kelly Osbourne once sang in her brutal, despondence inducing lilt “we’re goh-wing thru chayyngeeeeeeees”. Now Kelly Osbourne may have just been bored of doing crack and drinking bubble tea or whatever, so she may not have been aware that her crushingly lugubrious song was a harbinger of a nuanced change in male perception in female physiognomy. Or something.
Because back in the day, dudes we’re all like “You ma’am, have a absolutely bully pair of norks, and your face is quite tasty too, I’ll be bound!”.
So y’know, like, tits and face. But now, since the emergence of your very own Latin themed warble pop, or WOP, as it’s known to fans, there has been a sudden emergence of dudes who are all like “Crivens! If I do say so myself m’lady, you have a derriere of the most salubrious nature, and your tits are quite tasty too, on my word as a gentlesquire!”. So like, arse and tits an that.
This subtle shift in the modern mans perception of what is attractive in the female can be seen to permeate throughout modern culture. Black Eyed Peas hired a backing singer to do that song about your bum. Beyonce did that thing where she did that thing that and every woman thought it was really inspiring every day of their lives. Even in Wimbledon; the worlds biggest ad for being rich and shouting at foreign people to do your bidding, Serena Williams is getting lower than even a seasoned veteran of Little Jon videos could possibly expect to. Just imagine what would happen if Serena Williams actually was in a Little Jon video. Your T.V might explode. Or it might induce a whole generation to start doing crack and drinking bubble tea or whatever.
So really Genni Lopes, you have brought about your own doom. You have created a monster that has made a whole generation of popular culture go “oh yeah, bums as well”, and you took profit from it. Now you must be forced to endure the acerbic rebuttal, in which your very own boyfriend is giving you advice on how to deal with your own Franken-backoff.
But yeah talcum powder between the thighs always works as well.
Fuck Vanessa Feltz.
Let us placate your misery. Feel free to inundate us with your angst but do not feel ashamed, as all questions will be kept anonymous.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org – don’t be shy now… and we’ll do our best to help… anonymously of course!
Love Marj R$N x