Herbal George’s Predictions For 2015

What’s happnin’ what’s happnin’ boogie wonderfans. It’s Herbal George back in your FACE for a crushing appraisal of all y’alls 2015. It features a lot of melon, wallet, trousers and chance. A lot of funkin’ chance, y’dig?

Aries

It’s time for a new you. Invest in a gym pass and exercise e’rrdyday. That way y’all will be on tack to becoming a bitter, lonely gym freak by the time Virgo gets his swerve on.

Taurus

By now you will have settled into the year. Y’all maybe seeing a girl. Yeah, she nice, y’all met in Mcdonalds. She actually nice in the same way a McDonalds nice after getting crank out of yo’ disco tree. She’s only using you fo’ the Mcnuggets yo’.

Gemini

This month you will be worrying that giant cocknosed aliens may take over the planet. Their leader is called Anklepants. 

Cancer

So the chick you met in Mcdonalds will have left you. Y’all will feel like Kevin Costner in Waterworld, not only in terms of the fact that you have created a multi-million dollar disaster but that you have also been made to look and feel like a fish.

Leo

So this is it dude. Y’all invested a lot of time into yo’ stocks and bonds. Now is the month y’all will take them out. Y’all thinkin’ bout how pretty the house will look y’all will buy. Yeah, the new gal y’all met at KFC sitting on the porch, with the drop top in the garage. Then y’all will realise you invested everythin’ into Mahatma Ghandi’s pension. He dead, yo’.

Virgo

Y’all gunna read a lot of Danielle Steel this month.

Libra

This month y’all will take an action adventure sport like hiking, or snowboarding. Then y’all will become best friends with a guy called Chad. He’ll probably have more than suspicious intentions upon yo’ person. I recommmend taking out life insurance so that yo’ loved ones can reap the benefits of yo’ investments into Mahatma Ghandi’s pension. If nothing else that dude is at least gunna try forcefully smooch in a mountain location.

Scorpio

So y’all realised 2015 ain’t what it said it would be on the package. Don’t worry, y’all can still call up yo’ best chums Marcus and Dougleberry to plan a holiday. Maybe ya’ll will go to Doncaster, or perhaps the Isle of Man.

Sagittarius

PLEASE DON’T GO OUTSIDE THIS MONTH. A NEW OUTBREAK OF SUPER EBOLA IS PLANNED BY THE GOVERNMENT. THE MAN IS OUT TO GET YOU. Stay inside and play video games. But seriously, godammit this tune fuckn’ bangs.

Capricorn

What about a world where you didn’t have to masturbate because specially trained robots will do it for you? What would that feel like? No one knows what the future holds. Except your boy, Herbal George. And yes, it involves wanking robots, y’dig?

Aquarius

It’s time for yo’ second holday bitch. This time y’all gunna take yo’ other friends Dave and Marlon to somewhere special, like Peterborough, or maybe Norwich, if they lucky. I’ve heard they have a fantastic cathedral to visit, and great artisan bakeries. Plus bitches. Lot’s of bitches. 

Pisces

So you made it it. The end of the year. What did you learn? Nothing. That’s right, diddly squat. Except that you have a penchant for Jane Austen and Norwich is yo’ new favourite holiday destination. What else? Who knows, only your boy Herbal. Tune in next year for more predictions, wonderfans. SALUTE.