Asking For A Friend #31

It's very good of Mitch Davis to keep on writing this column. He's clearly a man of supreme patience and composure. If it were my clueless friend, I would have stopped helping him out a long time ago. But Mitch is better than that. And, believe it or not, he doesn't have the answers to all life's myriad questions. So the floor is open, as it were, once again. Can anyone help us out with this lot? Don't worry, we're only asking for a friend…

Why is the rum gone?

Asking for a Russian sailor.

If you're a Dark Lord of the Sith, can you call in sick?

Asking for a friend.

If I wear a Xmas suit to my imaginary office party, will I get off with the imaginary secretary?

Asking for a friend.

Is this suitable attire for visiting a proctologist?

Asking for a friend.

How many pills should I take to stop me getting pregnant?

Asking for a friend.

Why am I so lonely?

Asking for a friend.

If you go to the gym, do you gain height?

Asking for a friend.

Do they do these in an XS?

Asking for a friend.

Is Home Alone 5 any good?

Asking for a friend.

If the top of your head has been pictured in a distasteful photo, how can you get it off the web?

Asking for a friend.

Find Mitch Davis running Numb Magazine amongst other things.