Bomb The Past: The Christmas Survival Guide
Hello. It’s Christmas, and anyone who says it isn’t is lying. As such, it’s time to decorate your house with balls and bits of glitter. This can be a daunting task, but never fear – The Ransom Note is at hand to guide you through the process. After reading this handy guide, you will be an expert at filling your house with all kinds of festive shit.
In order to successfully decorate your house for Christmas, you need to prepare by doing the following things – Playing Slade, Wizzard or Band Aid on a loop until you’re sick of it and want to pull your own ears off. Get a bit pissed on something you wouldn’t normally drink, like Advocaat or Cillit Bang. Look for “the fucking thing” for 20 minutes before realising it’s in the drawer where you normally keep it. Crying for four and a half minutes. Once that lot is out of the way, you can begin to transform your house into a Christmas wonderland!
1. Christmas tree: The tree itself is pretty easy to decorate. Use tinsel, things on strings, or anything that’s fairly easy to wrap around it, like tights. When it comes to hanging things on the tree, please try to be sensible. Baubles, candy canes and chocolate Santas are all acceptable but don’t attempt to hang anything too heavy on your tree, like cutlery or chairs. Of course, the really important thing is what goes on top of your tree. Any fool can pretty up a tree with tinsel, but who gets that coveted place on the pointy bit needs some careful thought. If you’re bored of the usual fairies and angels, why not try putting your favourite celebrity on top of the tree this year? I like Jim Bowen, so that’s who I’ve plumped for this year. Jim Bowen is also festive, because I once watched a Bullseye Christmas special, so there.
2. Festive garlands: If you have a wall, you can hang stuff on it. Hanging Christmas stuff on the wall gives the illusion of Christmas, which is a tip I learned from some tv show once. Or maybe it was Home Alone, I can’t remember. Or maybe I just thought it. Anyway, some Americans like to spend hours threading popcorn onto string, and then hanging it up. I think a better thing to do is to eat the popcorn and use something else, and also there is an H in the word ‘herb’, so stop saying it wrong. There are lots of things you could make a festive garland out of – just use your imagination.
3. Wall decorations: There’s nothing that says Christmas like a sign that says ‘Christmas’ on it. But you don’t have to stop there. What about embracing the continental spirit and making a ‘Noel’ sign? Obviously, Noel Edmonds is the most festive Noel, so use him. Sometimes, a ‘wacky’ household may have a ‘Bah Humbug’ sign. You know, as a joke. These tend to be the people whose cars are ‘powered by fairy dust’ and are idiots.
4. Balloons: These are an optional extra, but will add cheer to any household. Always go for assorted shapes and sizes, as this will add variety and stop the balloons getting boring.
5. Christmas stockings: These are perhaps the most important part of any Christmas preparations, as Santa needs something to put all your overpriced shit into. Socks are fine to use, as Santa is magic and can make a 60” flat screen tv fit in one. Nevertheless, feel free to hang up many socks. You should do this even if you live on your own because this means more presents from Santa. For example, four socks equals four times the presents. This is the one thing where it’s perhaps best not to improvise. If you don’t have any socks, I suggest buying some rather than trying to use a substitute.
6. Christmas cards: This is an area in which lots of money can be saved with a few clever tricks. Don’t waste money on expensive cards that you’ll only use once. Simply use whatever cards you happen to already have, or whichever cards are on special offer. With a few tweaks here and there, your loved ones will never know their Christmas cards started life as anything other than Christmas cards!
7. Something for Santa: You can’t expect Santa to bring you all the stuff on your list if you aren’t prepared to even leave something out for him on Christmas Eve, you tight-fisted bastard. I bet he gets pretty sick of mince pies all the time, so this year I’m going to leave something better out for him, something that he’ll probably enjoy more. Like a nice Commes De Garcon jacket in XL, or some cans.
8. Dressing up as Santa: Sometimes, it happens to be the case that your offspring have been vile this year, so Santa will not be coming within 200 feet of them. Therefore, it falls to you to dress up as the big man so they’ll continue to believe in him, even if they’re 19 and should have a job by now. This is easy to do – all you need is a red hat and a beard. Normally, you can create a good fake beard by drawing one on in biro, but a Santa beard needs to be big and white. Supergluing cotton wool to your face will work, but will be tricky to remove without the help of a doctor. An easier alternative is to use a carrier bag! However, do use an appropriately coloured carrier bag, otherwise it won’t really look like a beard.
9. Wrapping presents: Again, don’t waste money on expensive wrapping paper that will only give you paper cuts anyway – just use an old newspaper! This saves money AND helps protect the planet, I think. And there we have it – everything you need to have a magical Christmas! Now all you need to do is sit back and wait for the big day! Also, if you’re going to my Mum’s for Christmas, remember to not eat anything for three months before, as she WILL get the big plates out.
Merry bloody Christmas. X