The Good, The Bad and The Ugly – OLYMPICS SPECIAL!

Art & Culture

We’re jumping the gun, because it’s still a couple of (very looong, overexposed, excruciatingly borisified) weeks away – but who cares! Everyone has been banging on about it for what seems like decades so it’s only fair that we should get in on the act. So here is The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of the London 2012 Olympics, which also serves as the final ever installment of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. So expect an even more unhinged than normal approach, very strong language and, perhaps, occasional nudity……

The Good

Usain Bolt

Instead of all these countries sending over their best hammer throwers and synchronized swimmers to bore us all to death, why not just centre the whole thing around Usain Bolt? The man’s a fucking god and literally the only good thing about the whole bloody olympics. Get him doing all the events, competing against himself – that way, there would be a bit more of a democratic feel to the ticket ‘lottery’ that seemed to handily give everyone tickets to events they weren’t remotely interested in – such as clay pigeon shooting. If Usain Bolt was shooting those clay pigeons, everyone would have a gas! Usain Bolt: Good!

The Bad


Of course, international sporting events depend heavily on nationalism. That’s the point. But, and please shoot me now: no more union jacks, no more talk of GREAT britain, no more anthem singing, no more ads telling us not to go on holiday because we’ll be letting down TEAM GB. GREAT BRITAIN is actually pretty bloody awful Britain right now. We’re getting rid of the NHS (did you notice?), we’ve the most venal press in the world, our bankers are second to none in the rat shit stakes, we’re punishing the working classes for the sins of the aristocracy, we can’t even run a bloody festival properly (ahem). So stop waving those flags and start burning them, because we are going to (quite literally) [the isle of] Dogs. Bad!

The Ugly


The Olympics are costing around £9,000,000,000 to put on. No problem says old reformed pork face David Cameron, no problem at all! Because, you see, they’ll be bringing in somewhere around £13,000,000,000 in the long run – so we’re all quids in! Which would be fantastic if it wasn’t a complete and utter load of bollox. Where does all that money come from? The tourists? Has anyone told the IOC, the PM or any of the other 2012 evangelists that nobody has any money at the moment? What is it -‘All those Greeks coming in with their pockets full of Euros buying cups of sugary tea and slices of bread, we’ll be rolling in it!? Ha ha, we’ll be rich when all those Spanish fools buy those 2012 commemorative tea cosies!?’ Jesus Christ, it’s a complete fantasy. A very expensive, very ill thought out fantasy. If we’d have put that £9,000,000,000 to proper use, we wouldn’t have had to undergo half of the cruel cult of ‘austerity’ we’ve been put through or, at the very least, maybe we could have put it towards having a bloody good time. Instead, we’ll be forced to endure a summer of nationalistic nonsense and a load of clay pigeon shooting (unfortunately, not of the Usain Bolt variety). So then, on this occasion, as in so many others, it’s the almighty dollar that is once again proved to be most important and, crucially, most UGLY!!!

Time for TGTB&TU to have a long lie down in a darkened room. Fare thee well, goodbye.

By Joe Evans